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A groom’s guide to a stress-free wedding morning

September 29, 2018

This post is for the fellas.  Those brave souls who have said ‘I will’ to an ‘I do’.  Billions of words have been written by folk smarter than me about how brides can fully prepare themselves for their big day, but not much gets said about what blokes need to get done on the morning of their weddings.  Gentlemen, it’s time to get your shit together. 

In days of yore most of the groom’s wedding day morning was taken up by recovering from a mammoth hangover.  Traditionally the stag do was held the night before the wedding, I have no idea why that ever seemed like it would be a good idea.  Apart from the inherent risk of getting tied up naked to a lamp post, there was a far greater risk of the groom doing a multi-coloured yawn during the ceremony.  These days the stag do is quite sensibly a good while before the serious matter of actually getting wed.  Grooms may still spill their stomachs during the service, but these days it’s more likely to be nerves than booze that’s the cause.

So what can the sober, non-hungover groom do on the morning of his wedding to prepare?  Well the honest answer is ‘not a lot’.  If you’ve got any sense at all everything that should have been done for your wedding has been done.  If you’re super smart then your supporting cast of friends and family have been organised into getting the grunt work done.

If there is still some mad running around to be done on the morning of your wedding then don’t be afraid to call upon your best man and ushers to help out.  After all, your best man isn’t just in place to make sure the stag do is slightly out of control, he’s also there to be your man at arms on your wedding day.  Let him do your dirty work.  But don’t take the piss.  If your best man isn’t already married then there’s a good chance you might end up being his best man, should he ever find someone foolish enough to get hitched to him.

It’s a good idea to get all your clothes hung up ready the night before your big day.  Not only will it get rid of some of the creases (saving you from ironing), it will also give you something to do to keep you occupied. 

Actors and musicians will tell you that waiting to go on stage is much worse than actually performing, and it’s much the same thing with getting married.  As I’ve already mentioned you might not have much to do while waiting to go to your wedding venue.  But don’t be tempted to sit around staring at the wall while you wait; it’s the absolute worst thing you can do.  Keep yourself busy by preparing a huge-ass breakfast. 

Something a lot of grooms don’t realise about getting married is that you’ll be busy as hell once the whole thing kicks off.  While your guests might get a chance to gorge on the expensive canapes you’ve forked out for, there’s every chance you won’t get to eat anything much all day.  A decent breakfast is likely to be your last chance to eat until you sit down for the slap up feast that’s half bankrupted you.  While your friends and family are stuffing their faces on fancy snacks you’ll probably be elsewhere, having your photo taken. 

Now prepare yourselves, I’m about to give some actual proper, real, useful advice.  This doesn’t happen often on my blog, but what I’m about to tell you is solid gold.

One very good tip I can give you is to go to a cycling shop at some point before your wedding.  Cycling shops sell small nutrition bars and gels that punch well above their tiny weight when it comes to how well they will sustain you.  The pockets on the outside of your suit jacket will probably be sewn shut, but these tiny energy boosting bars will happily sit in your inside pockets without spoiling the ‘lines’.  Snaffling one of these bars down takes about thirty seconds and will keep you going for at least an hour or two. 

Some people can’t face the idea of eating something reasonably solid if nerves are a bit jagged.  If this sounds like you then I can heartily recommend the energy gels sold in cycling shops.  Professional cyclists aren’t able to chew when in a race situation, so cycling gels have been developed to slip down with zero effort. 

If you daft enough to ‘have it large’ and do your stag do the night before your wedding you might be interested to know that these gels are also amazing hangover cures.  I have just one word of warning regarding gels.  It’s best not to buy gels that have caffeine in them.  Caffeine gels are for giving cyclists who have cycled around 100 miles the final boost they need to push them over the finish line.  If you take a caffeine gel on your wedding day you might find yourself shaking like a shitting dog during your vows.

To score serious man points make sure you also stash some of these snacks for your bride.  After all, she probably doesn’t have any pockets at all.

Any brides to be reading this blog post might be rolling their eyes that my only bit of actual advice is food related.  But let’s face it, us men are basically just shaved cavemen, and we don’t operate well with no fuel in the tank!

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Smell ya later 2016!

September 29, 2018

I don’t think there’s a man, woman or child alive who wouldn’t admit that 2016 has been a bit of a crazy year for planet earth.  Usually at this point in a blog post I like to give a short summary of what I’m talking about, but with 2016, well I think we all know what has made it more challenging than previous years.  But hey, you know me, I like to look on the brighter side of life.

2016 has been quite a massive year for everyone here at AK Expressions.  We shot more weddings than ever before, filmed more weddings than ever before and more important we have made more new friends in 2016 than in any previous year. 

It grieves me that 2016 will be remembered so negatively; for everyone who has gotten married this year 2016 will always be a positive year to remember.  I’m not taking the events of 2016 lightly; I just want people to remember all the incredibly positive things that have happened this year. 

It might be a sugar rush from too many mince pies, it could be that (thanks to Christmas over-indulgence) my bloodstream is now 40% red wine, but every couple who has gotten married this year has committed themselves to making the world a better place.  Not just for themselves, but for everyone around them.  There are around three quarters of a million babies born every year in the UK, and every single one of those children has the capacity and opportunity to change the world for the better.

Perhaps in these challenging times I’m not the only person looking forward to the future with a smile.  If things get tough the only way we’re going to get by is by working together, broadening our horizons and making many new friends.  These are all things I intend doing more of in 2017.  Do you fancy joining me?  Smell ya later 2016, 2017 here we come!

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MUMZILLA!

September 29, 2018

Parents are almost entirely fantastic.  I know this because I am one.  But sometimes parents are a proper pain in the ass.  We think we’re finally clear of their interference when we cast off the shackles (and acne) of our teenage years, but there’s one big event in your life that parents just love sticking their oar into.  Your wedding.

Not all parents do this, and I’m sure your parents are just wonderful, and will let you have your big day the way you want it.  But I’m going to take my life in my hands here and talk about a creature that only the bravest will admit exists, and only the most foolhardy blokes will talk about in a blog post.  MUMZILLA!

The mumzilla (nuptulus interferrus) is a curious creature.  Height can vary from very short to incredibly tall.  There’s no mumzilla uniform.  Worst of all there’s no user manual.  Mumzilla works best in stealth mode - you might not even know mumzilla exists.  The signs mumzilla is in full effect can sometimes be subtle to spot.  You might notice that a minor choice about something like the flowers at your wedding has changed without your knowledge.  It could be a sign that a mumzilla is testing her territory.  Unless dealt at an early stage of development with compassion and subtlety the mumzilla can grow into a fearsome beast.

Do not expose mumzilla to bright lights.

Do not feed mumzilla gin after midnight while discussing wedding planning, matter how much she begs.

Do not get mumzilla wet, by (for example) pushing her into the ornamental pond while visiting a wedding venue.

It’s only natural that mumzilla wants your wedding to be amazing, and if you’re lucky enough to have parents who can contribute financially to your wedding then there’s a natural debt of gratitude.  But being grateful and handing over control are two different matters.  If handled with care and love the mumzilla can turn from being your worst nightmare to being your best asset.

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I can’t get married.

September 29, 2018

For this blog post I thought I would try something different, something very different.  For the last few years I’ve been regularly blogging on topics that directly relate to wedding photography.  I have also talked about some of the more bizarre aspects of how people celebrate getting hitched.  Everything I’ve written to date has been done so on the very large assumption that you actually want to get married.  

When you or your partner popped the question there’s a very good chance getting wed was something you had already been discussing.  There’s also a chance that when you first started talking about getting married one of you had some very odd reservations about the whole shebang.  I’m not the sort of person who adheres to stereotypes, but in my experience some of the more outlandish reasons for not getting wed have come from men.  So I thought I would ask a friend of mine (who just happens to be a writer) what worries him most about getting married.  His response was a bit of a surprise, so here it is in full:

I can’t get married because...

I am very much in love with a nice girl - to say I am punching above my weight is an understatement. I'd like it if this girl agreed to legally sign her life away to me - the guarantee that she would need to seek a lawyer if she ever wanted to leave me would be a welcome reassurance as hopefully the hassle and inconvenience of the divorce proceeding might ultimately be enough to dissuade her. The whole idea of (a good) marriage is wonderful... a big self indulgent party fills me with joy and excitement... A giant multi-tiered cake cut in my honour sends shivers of ecstasy down my spine... but I can't.

I'm not particularly prone to phobias but I fear the act of dancing above anything else I have ever encountered - there is nothing that makes me retreat back into my metaphorical shell more than the idea of a 'first dance'.

Every friend and family member gathered under one roof to watch as me and my bride promise that we definitely do love each other. That is fine. Having to prove it to them (as well as God) by performing a choreographed routine is where I draw the line. Dancing doesn’t come naturally to me. I am aware of what a ridiculous little man I am and when I dance I feel like everyone else in the room knows it as well...i'm exposed as a fraud.

I could of course get married without dancing. We do the whole wedding thing but just don't have a 'first dance'. That makes sense right? Wrong. Sure, it's fairly likely that not a single guest would question why we decided to leave the dance out...that doesn’t matter. The first dance seems like something I would just have to do, mostly through fear of looking weak or drawing attention to myself, in the same way that if someone pushes in front of me in a supermarket queue I keep my head down and mouth shut...unless it's to apologise for getting in the way. I don't want to cause a fuss or be difficult. I certainly don't want anyone thinking i'm weird.

What's going to cause more judgemental looks and hushed gossiped whispers - dancing like everyone else at every single wedding ever or brushing the whole thing under the carpet and praying it's never brought up? The anxiety washes over me. I can't make that choice. I can't get married.

Ben Ward

Writer, drummer, lover, non-dancer.

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Black and White Wedding Photography - why bother?

September 29, 2018

In some quarters there has been some mumbling about Black and White wedding photograph being a bit ‘past it’.  Some people think that now that wedding photographers have access to so much fancy digital kit the maybe black and white photography should be seen as something we used to do.  In quite a snobbish way it’s seen as a bit dull and uninspiring.  Some of the harshest critics of black and white photography claim that wedding photographers only resort to this form of photography to correct mistakes.  The twisted logic being that it’s easier to correct technical errors made ‘in camera’ on your big day by simply converting the dodgy photo to greyscale.

I would like to think I’m a fairly modern man, and I think any accusations that black and white photography is old fashioned or redundant are missing the point.  I still love working with black and white.  Naturally the bulk of the work I do for my couples focusses on bright, vibrant colourful photography, but there are some scenes (and indeed emotions) that work better without colour.

Stepping aside from the world of wedding photography for a moment have a look at the work of the legendary landscape photographer Ansel Adams www.anseladams.com).  The work of Ansel Adams works so brilliantly in black and white.  His photos of the vast open expanses of Yosemite national park showcase the drama that can be captured with black and white photography.  One of his more famous photos shows the ‘Old Faithful’ geyser in full effect.  If this photo that shows thousands of gallons of water shooting high into the sky was a colour photograph it would lose almost all impact.  The powerful jet of white water would be shown against a pale blue sky, rather than contrasting so brilliantly against the palette of greys created by using black and white photography.  White on dark grey has much more impact that white on light blue.  One of the ways I might use a similar method when shooting a wedding would be to use a black and white photo to make a brilliant white wedding dress really ‘pop’ out of a scene.

Returning now to people photography, which is my professional focus, a black and white photo can capture the emotion of a moment with a lot more power than colour.  There’s a softness to black and white photos that tells a story in a way quite differently to colour photos.  I’m not saying that colour photography can’t capture these things, but it tells the tale in a very different way to black and white. 

When getting preparing to present a newly married couple with the photo story of their special day I will use every weapon I have in my photographic arsenal to make sure their photos are emotive, personal, romantic, funny and genuine.  And that’s why sometimes I use black and white photography.

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Guess the weight of my hair and win a portrait session

September 29, 2018

I am going to shave of my massive dreadlocks in the name of charity.  I wrote about it in this blog.  Deciding to shave my head was not an easy decision to make.  My head will be really cold and for the first time in years the world will see the true shape of my skull!  But I believe in the cause I’m supporting and the massive decrease in wind resistance will make me more energy efficient.

I’m raising money for the brilliant ‘It’s On The Ball’ testicular cancer charity.  If you want to find out more about the great work they do go here - http://itsontheball.org/

So how can you get involved in helping me going from looking like a dreadlocked viking to a newly sheared lamb?  Well I’m planning a big competition (details to be released soon) to get the fundraising ball rolling?  No pun intended… 

As a warm up before the main event (and the BIG prize) I’m running a competition with a great prize.  The premise is a bit gross, but then what else would you expect from me?

To enter this competition you need to guess what my combined hair weight once it has been liberated from my head.  After I’ve been shaved we’ll weigh the mass of hair and whoever’s guess is closest to the actual weight will win!

So what’s the prize?  If you’re the lucky winner you’ll get one creative crazy Ak style portrait photo session and very large print on the best paper in a handmade high-end frame. Guess the weight of my hair and I’ll make you beautiful!

Entering is really easy, click the link below and after you have made your minimum £5 contribution to my justgiving page you’ll be asked if you want to leave a comment.  When making your comment please make sure you leave your full names so I can link it up when or if you win. Then under the link on facebook please leave state how heavy you think my skull fungus is, like Akexpressions Facebook page and share away so we can reach our goal.  I’ll contact whoever makes the nearest guess and organise your portrait session.

So what are you waiting for?

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/akexpressions

https://www.facebook.com/akexpressions/

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Check your balls!

September 29, 2018

Balls are funny.  If there was ever a review site for the human body, and what evolution created, the humble testicle would get a low review.  Seriously, what committee did mother nature convene that came up with the human tesitcile?  Must have been a late in the day Friday type meeting when everyone had half an eye on the pub opening times.  For one thing why they are they on the outside of our bodies?  Surely putting such sensitive equipment in such a vulnerable position can’t be a good idea can it?  A tough boney protective shield would have been a great idea.  It’s not just stray footballs that can catch us blokes unaware, it’s also sitting down too fast, going over a pothole on a bicycle… I could go on but anyone reading this who has the aforementioned delicate equipment installed knows all too well just how many ways a mans’ nads can suffer an unwanted grievance. 

So why don’t we talk about about our knackers?  Well for one thing they ain’t pretty.  Most parts of the human body can flex, perform useful tasks, or at the very least have the ability to move if threatened with a physical indignity.  But testicles, well they just sort of hang there waiting for grief to come and find them.  Unless it’s very cold, but that’s not a ‘feature’ we wish to dwell on.

So why am I talking bollocks?  I mean talking more bollocks than normal?  Well the truth is that not enough men check themselves for irregularities.  And when I say checking yourself I mean having a gentle rummage in the bath or at some other suitably private opportunity.  The fact is not enough men routinely check the state of their machinery.  We take it for granted that all is well, but it only takes a moment to check everything is as you would expect it is with your boy conkers.

So why don’t men check themselves more often?  There’s a wide variety of cheap jokes I could make about pocket billiards and whatnot in this post but I’m not sure that would strike the right chord.  Instead I’m going to put my money where my mouth is (no sniggering) and I’m going to do something bold to make my point.

If you’ve met me then you’ll know that something I have in abundance is hair.  It’s spouting out of my face like it’s making a break for freedom and I’ve got dreads that are quite probably large enough to rehome a badger set. I like my hair, I like my beard.  Both have taken years to cultivate and have become a part of my schtick.  They keep me warm on winter days and save me a fortune in sunscreen in the 11 days of the year we call the British Summer.  But I’m prepared to lose them.

Yes, if I get enough sponsorship I’m going to get sheared, all in the name of raising awareness of testicular cancer awareness.  Have you ever noticed how uncomfortable and naked looking newly sheared sheep look?  Sponsor me, and you could well see me stumbling about the place, totally bald, cold and exposed to the elements.

Click the link below, donate, and rest assured your donation will not only raise money for a brilliant cause but will also make my wife very happy indeed.

https://www.justgiving.com/akexpressions

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Essential advice from the best Wedding Planners

September 29, 2018

In a previous blog post I talked about how brilliant Wedding Planners are.  But why take my word for it?  Rather than trying to give you advice about planning your wedding I decided it would be much more fun to have a chat with some wedding planners who have made a very good name for themselves by being quite brilliant at what they do, planning weddings!

So what do you need to think about in order to get your wedding day perfect?  Here’s what the experts had to say:

 

When you first meet a new couple what is the first question you ask them, and why do you consider this question to be so important?

Dominique Douglas - Stylish Events

My first question is always “What’s your dream?”

Why? Well as corny as it may sound, we are in the business of making couples’ wedding dreams come true. Basically, as wedding planners, we take all our client’s ideas, hopes and aspirations for their wedding and turn them into the wedding day they want.

Marie Haverly - Isabella Weddings

Apart from asking them how they are etc I always ask them how their planning is going so far? This tells me as a planner where they are, what worries they have and possibly why they have asked to meet me. The second question is - what's the most important thing about your wedding?!

Susanna Young - Knot & Pop

A question we always ask is to describe their ideal wedding day in three words – adjectives that best describe the day they want to have. These days people all too often turn to Pinterest before stopping to think and discuss their day and what they both want it to be and represent. We love hearing these key adjectives as it gives us a great initial guide as to what we need to ensure their day is rooted in.

 

What's the most common issue couples overlook when planning their own wedding?

Dominique Douglas - Stylish Events

Time.

Many couples hire a wedding planner after they’ve begun to plan the wedding themselves. Once they realise how time consuming it is to research venues, suppliers and the styling options, it hits them that perhaps a wedding planner could make the process much easier and much more fun.

Marie Haverly - Isabella Weddings

Thinking they can do it all and cheaply. Cheap usually means corners cut or lower quality, so when some couples feel they have 'bagged a bargain' what they have possibly done is waste their budget on something that won't be the standard they are expecting. This is true when booking suppliers; couples feel they don't need to spend a lot on decent suppliers - this might be true if the supplier isn't high on the couples priority list (if a cake means nothing to them then a family friend could bake one without any concerns of it not being up to standard for example) however if you want a professional standard you have to pay the correct fee I feel.

 

What's your secret for staying calm under pressure on a wedding day?  Can this method also help your brides and grooms? 

Dominique Douglas - Stylish Events

I am always working on this part of my personality; not only staying calming, but “appearing” to stay calm is an essential part of our job on the wedding day. People generally prefer to follow calm, assertive energy, so when someone is acting erratically and looks stressed there can be a perception that they are not in control.  I tend to deal with one issue at a time, worry about the things I can do something about, solve problems as they come up rather than laying blame on anyone and always remember that we are here for the couple and their wishes are priority. 

Marie Haverly - Isabella Weddings

Trusting myself, following my gut and knowing I can find a solution to most things - I've done this before so it will be fine! :), I tell me couples that they can of course rely on me fully so they don't have to feel pressure however if they don't have a planner to support them then they could follow the same principles, trust that they have done everything in advance of today and if anything goes wrong it won't be down to bad planning, it will be down to luck. I also tell my couples to keep perspective, nothing is that important on your day as long and you are marrying the one you love with your loved ones near you. A broken wine glass, rain outside the church or a delayed DJ really won't ruin anything unless you let it.

 

What tips do you have for couples who want to ensure their wedding comes in under budget?

Dominique Douglas - Stylish Events

To budget properly and love your spreadsheets!  Choose your venue first before booking anything else.  In my experience, the venue costs may take about 60% of your overall budget (when you combine venue hire, food and drinks), so make sure you only visit venues you can afford. This means doing a lot of research before you visit anywhere.  It’s a little like house hunting. You wouldn’t visit a million pound property with a half million pound budget, would you? So ensure you only visit venues that fit your budget and style, otherwise, your budget will very quickly spiral out of control.

Marie Haverly - Isabella Weddings

Do your research and know the approx.  prices of things before setting your budget. There's nothing worse than having high expectations of thinking you can have a 4 course meal with wine for £20 per person then finding out you can't. Know what things cost, match this to the type of wedding you want then for the budget you have then negotiate and do your homework before committing. Oh and then when you've committed or booked something don't change your mind, just move to the next item on your list!

 

If you could give our readers one piece of advice what would it be and why?

Dominique Douglas - Stylish Events

Focus on what’s really important for you as a couple and remember to enjoy the process. If the planning is getting too stressful, take a breath, and remember why you are doing all of this; because you want to spend the rest of your lives together.

Toni Giles - Absolute Perfection Wedding Consultancy

The best bit of advice to give to anyone who is about to start planning their own wedding is simply to get someone who knows what they are doing – ie a wedding planner – to do the job for them! Planning a wedding is not an easy task to do and nor is it particularly fun at times. In fact it can be damn tough, especially if you also have to hold down demanding jobs and a hectic social life.  Instead of spending 200+ hours planning a stressful wedding during your engagement, shouldn’t you be having fun?

Zoe McKeown - UK Academy of Wedding Event Planning

For me the most important bit of advice is to enjoy the planning as much as the day itself. The planning takes much longer os why not make it fun! Having a friendly PA (wedding planner) along the way definitely helps with this.

Marie Haverly - Isabella Weddings

Remember what it is you are doing - marrying your loved one, it is not a performance it is a ceremony. Surround yourself by people who enrich your life and have the day you want, not what everyone thinks you want.  Also be sure to understand the value a professional team of wedding suppliers can give to your day, don't cut corners but know your stuff. - Ask a wedding planner to help (!)

So wow, thank you SO much to everyone who got involved in helping create this article.  Now more than ever I really appreciate the difference a wedding planner can make to a having a kickass wedding!

If you like the cut of these Wedding Planners jibs (whatever a ‘jib’ might be) then find out more by clicking the links below:

Dominique Douglas - Stylish Events

http://www.stylishevents.com/

Dominique Douglas has been a wedding planner for the past 14 years. Her company, Stylish Events, specialises in weddings in London and the South East and arrange destination weddings in Italy. Dominique is the co-author, with Bernadette Chapman of Dream Occasions and a Director of the UK Alliance of Wedding Planners, of “Wedding Planning for Dummies, UK”.  Stylish Events is a member of the UK Alliance of Wedding Planners (www.ukawp.com) and Dominique is delighted to be their London and South East Ambassador.

Toni Giles - Absolute Perfection Wedding Consultancy

http://www.absoluteperfection.co.uk/

Absolute Perfection are a small team of innovative London wedding planners creating beautiful weddings worldwide. We deliver our bespoke wedding planning services, a stress-free engagement and a wedding day that is…  Absolute Perfection!

Zoe McKeown - UK Academy of Wedding Event Planning

https://www.weddingplanningacademy.co.uk/

We are the only training institution in the UK to offer specialised courses in Wedding Styling and Event Design. Along with our flagship Certificates in Wedding Planning and Event Planning we also offer a Certificate in Event Design, Diploma in Wedding Planning, Styling and Design and Advanced Diploma in Special Event Planning and Design.

Marie Haverly - Isabella Weddings

http://www.isabellaweddings.co.uk/

Since qualifying in 2003,  We have supported so many couples with their wedding plans, helping with event organisation and training new wedding planners in this wonderful industry.

We also offer a support service to venues and wedding industry professionals that can help increase bookings, improve services and ensure that every wedding is the best it can be for all the right reasons. Whether you are looking for a simple wedding checklist, a 90 minute professional and private consultation with an experienced wedding planner at any stage of your wedding plans or hoping to become a wedding or events planner, we can help.

Susanna Young - Knot & Pop

http://www.knotandpop.com/

We are award-winning, London-based luxury wedding planners and creative events producers who plan, style and manage weddings, parties and events for clients throughout the UK and Europe. Whether tying the knot or celebrating with the pop of a cork, we mix flair and style to create events and weddings that feel personal, unique and above all fun and memorable.

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Is leap year the only chance for women to propose to men?

September 29, 2018

So is the 29th February every leap year the only chance women have a chance to propose to their men?  Of course not.  But if I leave it there then this will be my shortest ever post.  I’ll leave you to decide whether that would be a good thing or not.

So where did the tradition for women to propose to their men on leap year come from?  You might not be surprised to know that this was all started by those whacky medieval folk.  Back then if you were the man on the receiving end of the big question it was pretty much illegal to say no.  In fact in some European countries there were strict laws governing the punishments that would be handed out to any fella who was brave enough to say ‘nah’. 

The strangest leap year proposal enforcement law I know of was the law that stated that if a man said ‘no ta love’ to his lady on the extra day the leap year gives us he had to buy her some gloves.  Twelve pairs of gloves to be precise.  These gloves were meant to allow the disappointed ladies to hide the fact they didn’t have a ring on their finger.

As you hopefully know I’m very much an equal opportunities type of person.  I fully appreciate that women have as much potential for lousy proposals as men do.  But the truth is that in doing my research for this blog post I couldn’t find any proof of women stuffing up proposals as badly as men.  In fact I couldn’t find a single example.

But if you search the Interwebs for bad examples of men folk’s proposals then you’ll find an astonishing number of results.  There’s the man who wrote ‘will you marry me’ on the windscreen of his girlfriend’s car, and was charged with criminal damage.  There are a disappointing number of examples of men who thought hiding a ring in a burger would be a good idea.  The best, or possibly worst proposal I found was a man who wrote ‘will you marry me’ in the snow, in perfect cursive, while urinating.  I doubt his lady was impressed, but speaking as a fellow man I’m pretty impressed by his aim and control.  On the plus side marrying this man would mean never having to constantly clean the toilet seat.

This all makes Homer proposing to Marge with an onion ring look quite romantic doesn’t it?

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Wedding planners - the real reasons you need them.

September 29, 2018

Weddings are about teamwork.  The bride and groom are the ultimate team, but all the best teams are great because they have the best support.  Over the years I’ve had the privilege of working with some truly brilliant wedding planners.  They are the perfect support act for lots of brilliant weddings I’ve worked at.  But why?

I’m not sure many British people had even heard of the concept of wedding planners until Jennifer Lopez starred in a film called ‘wedding planners’.  So even though the concept of hiring a wedding planner isn’t a completely freakish concept for many couples, why don’t all couples hire a wedding planner?  If you haven’t been to a wedding that has been managed by a kickass wedding planner maybe you’re not aware of the many reasons hiring one is such a good idea.  Guess what, I’m going to tell you.

The power of negotiation.

Months, sometimes years before your wedding day you’ll be thinking about which venue to use.  You’ll be pondering which caterer, wedding dress maker and wedding cake baker will give you the best deal.  I dare say you’ll be wondering which wedding photographer will be able to capture your special day in just the way you wish (hint hint).  A good wedding planner will instinctively know which suppliers will work out best for you and your partner.  They’ll be able to see through all the marketing nonsense wedding suppliers punt out, because having seen them in action many times they’ll know who can walk the walk as well as talk the talk. 

Just as importantly they’ll know how to get the best prices from your wedding vendors.  Wedding planners are excellent negotiators.  They know when someone is trying to pull a fast one and will likely be able to negotiate the right price for your wedding budget.

If your budget is becoming restricted a wedding planner will know from experience which cuts will be the least painful to make, and which areas should not be skimped on.

The negotiation skill of a great wedding planner doesn’t stop with people who want your money.  I’ve seen wedding planners deal with difficult family members and well-wishers in ways that are truly inspired.  Everyone wins.

Managing your big day with zero stress

Once your wedding planner has helped you decide on the rest of the supporting cast for your wedding they’ll coordinate and make sure everyone is in the right place at the right time, doing what they should be doing. 

A big wedding can be a logistical nightmare for anyone who doesn’t have their focus entirely on the little details.  If you’re planning your own wedding it’s impossible to deal with any problems that might arise.  Any wedding planner worth their salt will have seen issues beyond reasonable control arise many times before, and experience gives them the skills needed to solve these issues so smoothly you’ll probably never know they existed.

Will the cake arrive at the venue on time?  What time do you need to make sure you’re booked into the hotel so that you don’t lose your honeymoon suite booking?  What time should the free bottles of wine disappear and be replaced by the cash bar?  What’s the venue’s policy on… anything.  Your wedding planner will know all of these things.

Weddings can be broken down into a series of events.  The ceremony, the group photos, the meal, the first dance.  The list is long, and your wedding planner knows from experience how long each of these parts of your big day will take, and can advise on a schedule that will keep everyone happy, and will make sure everything that should happen does happen.

A good wedding planner is the difference between your wedding being a stressful event, or a day where you glide effortlessly from one magical experience to the next.

But aren’t wedding planners expensive?

Choosing a good wedding planner is a bit like choosing a good accountant.  Cheap accountants are likely to let a few details fall through the cracks.  A cheap accountant may not be as focussed on your needs as you may wish they were.  Much like a good accountant an excellent and experienced wedding planner can actually save you much more money than they cost you. 

A brilliant wedding planner is worth every penny you pay them.

You may find that well meaning family members or friends offer to plan your wedding for you.  They may well excell, but there’s also the unfortunate truth that an amature wedding planner can be about as much fun as an amature dentist.

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Getting married in Suffolk - mistake or genius?

September 29, 2018

Suffolk has a slightly strange reputation, but only among those who don’t live here.  Suffolk is allegedly seen as slightly backwards, but only by people who have never visited.  So if you’ve just got engaged and are pondering where you should tie the knot why should you consider getting married in Suffolk?

You may or may not know this, but I’m not from Suffolk.  Hell, I’m not even from Europe!  I was born and raised in Toronto, Canada.  I thought I’d better add the ‘Canada’ bit just in case there’s a ‘Toronto’ in East Anglia that I’m unaware of.  It’s entirely possible, as anyone who has visited Boston in Lincolnshire will tell you.

I have lived in Suffolk for most of my adult life, and for a list of reasons that are as long as they are glorious.  But I won’t bore you with my reasons for staying in Suffolk, let’s look at some of the reasons Suffolk is a brilliant place to get wed.

The Suffolk countryside

Even though Suffolk is technically one of the most densely populated counties in Britain there’s a ton of wide open spaces.  Drive for more than a handful of minutes from the centre of any town or city in Suffolk and you’ll find yourself surrounded by gently undulating fields.  It’s not just the fact that we’ve got a ton of wide open spaces in this County, there’s also an incredible amount of diversity for one county.  From the tightly bumpy (gentle) hills and valleys around Sudbury to the pancake flat heaths and epic skies on the northern Suffolk coast there’s plenty of variety to explore.  All of which makes for great wedding photos!

Even the urban countryside in Suffolk differs wildly based on how far you venture out from your hometown.  Bury St Edmunds is old, grand and noble.  Lavenham is ancient, full of twisted timbered buildings and a sense gentile calm.  Woodbridge holds an old charm that sits comfortably with a vibrant nightlife (seriously!), and an active, and inclusive sailing community.  I could go on, but I’m sure you’d prefer me not to.  If you have lived in Suffolk then you’ll have your own affections for the gorgeous countryside in this County. 

Suffolk is very much a coastal County, and has one of the longest coastlines of any County in England.  So if you want a wedding on (or near) the beach, then Suffolk is full of opportunities.

If you’ve never been here and are reading this blog post because you’re considering getting married here, then hop in the car and just spend some time driving around the County, I’m sure you’ll find a part of it that strikes the right romantic chord in your heart.

The climate

Suffolk is the driest County in Suffolk.  If you want an outdoor wedding with fine weather the odds of a day without rain are better here than anywhere else in the country.  We also have more sunny days than anywhere else in the UK.  Both of these factors coupled with the fact we’re home to the most easterly town in the UK (Lowestoft) mean that our days are ever-so-slightly longer than anywhere else.  So the guests at your wedding reception will be able to party for longer at a Suffolk wedding than at a wedding anywhere else.  Possibly. 

While we’re the driest in terms of rainfall, Suffolk certainly isn’t the driest in terms of alcohol.  We have an incredible number of microbreweries who can supply custom ales for your big day.  Some of the biggest beer brands also have their home in Suffolk.  Adnams, Aspalls and Greene King to name just a few.

Suffolk wedding venues

If you want a traditional church wedding then you’re spoilt for choice in Suffolk. Thanks partly to the enormous wealth of the medieval wool trade in Suffolk the County is chock-full of ancient churches.  Ipswich alone has 52 Churches.  As an aside, a popular fact about Ipswich is that it used to have 366 pubs and 52 churches, so a drinking establishment for every night of the year (even in leap-years) and a different church to repent for your boozy ways every Sunday.

If getting wed in a barn conversion is your idea of bliss then Suffolk’s very long rural history has provided us many wonderful wedding venues based in and around ancient barns.  These range from quite basic (or ‘rustic’) in style, to sumptuous luxury venues.

We even have plenty of stately homes to choose between.  Every one of them drenched in fascinating history and glorious luxury.

Creative Suffolk

Suffolk has a vibrant and exciting creative scene.  If you want your wedding to be truly unique and exciting there are an incredible number of artistic people who can help you bring your vision of the best wedding ever into reality.

Conclusion

In many of my posts in this blog I’ve talked about how important it is to plan a wedding that reflects who you are as a couple.  It’s a tired cliche, but Suffolk really does have ‘something for everyone’.  We’re not just about the old, we’re embracing the new.  We’re not just rolling fields, we’ve got bustling exciting towns.  Whether you want your wedding to break new ground or celebrate tradition you’ll find everything you need in Suffolk.

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Wedding invitations - how not to be another boring couple

September 29, 2018

It’s a fact (I reckon) that as soon as one couple decides to tie the knot the urge to get married spreads like a cheerful virus.  Maybe it’s because of the point at the end of a friend’s wedding reception when you get that special (possibly tipsy) look from your lover that makes you think ‘why not’.

Getting married at roughly the same time as your friends can lead to a bit of friendly one upmanship. Who will book the coolest band, who will serve the finest food, and who will be the couple who manages to book the the funkiest photographer?  Actually with regards to that last point, get in touch and I’ll help you win that little contest!

There are several serious things to consider if you’re getting married at the same time as lots of other friends.  But that’s a topic for other, more serious wedding bloggers.  I’m here to tackle something much more fun than venue double-bookings or date clashes.  Wedding invitations!

Regardless of whether your friends and family are currently receiving tons of wedding invites you’ll still want to package your invitation in a way that will stand out from the avalanche of junk mail and bills that pour through the letterbox.  Colourful envelopes are an almost passe no-brainer, so if you’re the type of couple that likes to play jokes then why not design your envelope to look like a court summons?  Actually I can think of plenty of reasons not to do that, all of which are boring.  If you want to get your guests’ attention maybe it might be best to stick to something simple plastered across the envelope. Something like ‘here’s the porn you ordered’.  It’ll probably cheer up their postman on a rainy morning if nothing else.

When it comes to the content of the actual invite it’s probably easier to give advice about what not to do.  Don’t put badly drawn caricatures of yourselves on the invite.  Don’t give details of the positions you hope to attempt on your honeymoon.  And most importantly don’t use comic sans.  For the love of god please don’t use comic sans.  In fact if you want a cool photo of yourselves on the invite then ask your wedding photographer to get involved, especially if he or she has the kind of props I’ve got in my photo booth.

If you’re sending out your invites a long way in advance of your big day then it’s well worth including some sort of ‘save the date’ do-dad.  Paper wedding invitations can get lost under other, much more boring post, but something like a save the date fridge magnet will keep details of your wedding in one of the most important parts of your friend’s houses - the fridge!

Whatever you decide to do with your wedding invitations (and the rest of your wedding for that matter), make them reflect who you are as a couple; make them kick ass!

One last thing, please don’t fill your invitation envelope with confetti, it’s a proper pain in the arse to clear up!

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Kids at weddings - a brief guide to remaining sane

September 29, 2018

Kids at weddings are a nightmare.  Kids at weddings are a dream.  To what extent you agree with either of those statements may depend on a few things. 

First question - are the kids yours?  If it’s your child raising hell during the marriage ceremony you may be struggling to see the upsides of parenthood, but the truth is nobody really minds if kids make a bit of noise during a wedding.  If you’re a new parent then you might not believe this, but it’s true.  If anyone has a problem with your baby then the problem is theirs, not yours.

I’ve been at weddings where heckling from small children was the highlight of an otherwise dull and boring service.  The very best outbursts come shortly after the vicar or registrar has done their bit about anyone with ‘just cause or impediment’ blurting it out or forever holding their peas.  I’m usually very busy at weddings, so there’s a chance I may have misheard that last part.  I should probably remind you that I’m Canadian, so some of the things you Brits tell kids sound a bit freaky to me - if you’re telling kids the face they’re pulling will be a permanent fixture if the wind changes then who knows what weird threats you’ll crowbar into a wedding ceremony.

So when you’re planning a wedding how can you ensure you adequately plan for children? 

Make the kids’ food kickass cool

Kids think with their bellies, so provide appropriate food.  You may be trying to impress your guests with exotic anti-pasti and ‘amuse bouche’ but kids would far rather have food they recognise.  A lot of kids find large weddings daunting and stressful so food they’ll recognise will give them a little bit of security, which means they’ll be more likely to be calm and relaxed at the wedding breakfast.

If your heart is set on having something really special and unusual for the adults at your wedding then there’s no harm in extending that sense of food fun to the kid’s menu.  One of the coolest weddings I ever worked at provided perfect miniature food for the younger guests.  There were teeny tiny hamburgers, perfectly formed titchy chips and hot dogs that looked like they had been shot at with a shrink ray.  The miniaturised was a huge hit with the kids, and because their kids were happy their parents (and all other adults!) were relaxed. 

Bribe the teenagers

At some weddings kids are put on their own table for the feast, but without at least a little bit of supervision this ensures total chaos, tears and tantrums (and that’s just from the parents trying to control their hepped up children).  It’s a good idea to to ask a teenager or two to ‘chaperone’ the kids table.  You may have to bribe them, but a lot of young teens will appreciate being able to play an important role in your big day.  Teens can be a bit marginalised because they’re too big to be kids, and too young to hang out with the grown ups.  They also have the advantage being able to directly remember what it’s like to be a kid; a level of understanding that unfortunately some adults can lose touch with.

Keep the kids entertained

As adults we love having long, boring conversations about very dull things.  After a few jars of ale or bucks fizz conversations get lively in our eyes, but even more boring in the ears of children.  Us adults appreciate a break between the end of a meal and the start of speeches, but to young children the gap between eating ending and the disco starting can feel like it is lasting an age.  And bored kids are restless kids, and restless kids lead to stressed parents.  Not want you want on your happy day. 

Depending on your budget you could hire a professional entertainer to occupy the kids.  If your budget is a little tighter then goodie bags are a great way of keeping kids happy.  Fill the bags with bits and bobs from your local arts and crafts shop and you’ll be keeping the kids happy, productive and most importantly occupied.

Photo booths are another excellent way to keep children amused and entertained at weddings.

Kids at weddings - the most important bit of advice

Most important of all is to ensure your reception venue has a highly-polished dancefloor.  If boys can’t slide on their knees during the wedding disco it’s not really a wedding disco at all.

The truth is that kids at weddings are neither a nightmare or a dream.  When kids are doing what they do at your wedding they’re doing what kids do best.  They’re being kids.  Here are our favourite examples…

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Beastly betrovals - the art of animals at weddings

September 29, 2018

I’m going to take chance here; I’m not a gambling man but I would put at least a fiver on the table and bet that this isn’t the first wedding-related blog post you’ve read.  In fact I’d go further and bet this isn’t even the first wedding blog post you’ve read today, possibly not the first this hour. 

If you’re a connoisseur of wedding blogs then you’ve probably had your fill of caterers conjecture on canapés, dressmakers’ diatribes on dreary dressers and probably had a gut full of photographers giving wreckless advice on weight-loss.  Hopefully this post will be a breath of fresh air.  I’m not going to talk about guest lists, or how to impress your friends and family with fancy flower arrangement.  I’m not even going to talk about wedding photography.  This month my subject is perfectly poles apart from these predictable problems - I’m going to post about pets.

When I sat down to plan out this blog post I had to think pretty hard about whether I’ve ever actually seen many animals at weddings, let alone pets.  Sure I’ve seen plenty of horses pulling carriages, and if my hazy memory serves me then I think I’ve probably seen a guide-dog or two at weddings.  But pets?  Not so much.

So why don’t we see any pets at weddings?  I’m sure most dog lovers would be happy to take their hounds to a wedding, in fact I’m sure dogs would behave better than some guests once the bar has been drunk dry.

Cats would be a nightmare at weddings; I’d like to write about how they’d make catty comments and caterwaul through the hymns, but we all know that if you took a cat to a wedding they’d just to that weird thing where they go all low-down and don’t move at all.

Spiders could liven up a dull service I guess, and a decent size snake seated at the front of a congregation could help encourage the vicar to keep his sermon short.

But let’s not focus on the negatives of involving more animals at weddings; there are also some really cool things that a well-trained beast could bring to your big day.  How about a bird of prey delivering the rings to the best man, or baboon belching the vows.  Maybe a warthog could walk you down the aisle.  Maybe not. 

If you think my ideas are mad then spend a little bit of time looking up animal ideas on the American wedding scene and you’ll soon realise that my ideas are tame by comparison.  One thing is for sure; when my wife reads this blog post she’ll be relieved that I didn’t make any zoological suggestions for our own wedding day.

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Wedding weight loss tips from a very brave man

September 29, 2018

Every day the news is full of people who have shown enormous courage and startling bravery in circumstances that none of us would wish to find ourselves in.  Some talk about how it felt like in some ways their entire lives had prepared them for finding the bravery needed to do what they did.  There are some folk who shrug their shoulders and say they just did what anyone else would have done in the same situation.  I fall into neither of these categories as I sit down to write this blog post, but I will draw from these heroes bravery as I prepare to tackle my most difficult topic yet. 

In the past I have talked about nipples, the dangers (and glories) of excessive booze at wedding receptions.  I have even debunked a few myths about wedding night sex.  But for this post I’m going to stumble carelessly into a topic that is probably more controversial and emotive than anything I’ve written about before.  I’m talking about losing weight for your wedding. 

The motives for trying to reach an ideal size before a wedding are varied, and ultimately the choice to lose weight before a wedding is a personal one.  Well-meaning friends and family may try and influence the choices you make about many aspects of your wedding but nobody would dare suggest that you trim up a bit before saying ‘I do’.  Because if anyone did suggest you need to shift some weight in preparing for starting your married life then, well, fuck ‘em.  Especially if your partner is the person who brings up the topic.

So I’m sticking clear of the motives for wedding weight loss, and hopefully that means I’ve managed to navigate around at least one potential minefield.

But how do you actually go about reaching your target weight?  The earlier you reach the decision to slim the more time you have to put a plan into action.  If you’re planning a wedding that won’t be happening for a few years then you may feel like you’ve got all the time in the world, but it’s probably never too early to get started.  There are bound to be some treats that pop up a little too frequently in your daily lives, a few calorific foods that can be reduced in frequency.  Perhaps you could walk or cycle short journeys that you would normally use the car for. 

You could join a gym, but I’ve never understood how choosing to spend effort and significant amounts of money to spend time around skinny scrawns could help motivate you to get stuck in.  Anyone strutting around the place with a truly athletic body has probably spent years in the gym.  If your wedding is just a few weeks away then any goals set seeing stick figures sweating through their lycra is likely to be unhelpful.

So far I am fully aware that I’ve not given any concrete advice in this post, but I’m going to end on one really good bit of solid gold advice, a veritable diamond in the dogshit (if you will).  This one piece of advice will make sure feel great on your wedding day - when you’re seeing your tailor, and he’s measuring you for your groom’s suit, for fucks sake don’t hold your gut in when he’s measuring your waist.  Men, you might be worried about your weight before a wedding, but seriously, all you really need is a good pair of comfy trousers.  You might not want to go as far as trying to convince your bride that a pair of jogging bottoms will perfectly match her wedding dress, but many a good man has weathered his wedding day in suit trousers with an elasticated waistband.  Oh, and don’t be afraid to undo your top button if the wedding breakfast takes it’s toll on your belly, just make sure you remember to button up again before standing up to do your speech.  Because if you don’t I’ll be there ready with my camera, and you just know the photo of you in your smalls will get more ‘likes’ on Facebook than any other photo you post of your big day.

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Don't let wedding guests see your nipples

September 29, 2018

Have you ever been to a wedding and found yourself staring slack-jawed at another guest wondering what was going their mind when they got dressed that morning?  I’m not talking about the bride or groom here; they can wear what the hell they like, it’s their day after all.  If she so wishes the bride can wear something that leaves nothing to the imagination, or something that has more LEDs than a Christmas tree. Nobody would dare question a bride’s choice of dress on her big day.  The guests on the other hand…

There are some choices that are just plain unacceptable.  Have you ever been to a wedding and spotted a female guest who is wearing an outfit so skimpy it looks like she left the house in such a rush she forgot to dress any further than her petticoat? I have, and it wasn’t a pretty sight after the buffet had been demolished and the structural integrity of the outfit had been tested to its limit on the dancefloor. 

So there’s a golden rule for starters - make sure you’re wearing enough clothes. If other guests can see parts of you that only your gynecologist normally sees then at the very least you’re going to distract the best man during his speech.  This goes double for men - I’ve been to some pretty far-out weddings but I’m yet to work at a wedding where a mankini would be considered the correct attire for a gentleman.

So now we’ve established the wedding faux pas of being nearly naked, and you may be wondering why it needs to be said, but I will bet you folding-money that there’s at least one of your friends who think he’ll be the ‘whacky one’ who bares his arse at some point during your wedding.  Admittedly if someone is drunk and determined to show the world their private parts at your wedding then there’s probably very little you can do about stopping them.  But having unwanted nakedness happen late at night when some of your more delicately minded guests have already ambled home is one thing, having your best mates sitting through the church service with their giblets on display might upset the vicar.

For a while now I’ve been considering asking my readers to send in their own snaps of badly dressed wedding guests, but if the topic of this blog post was to be the theme I’m not sure my stomach could stand it.

Some happy couples insist on a dress code on their wedding invitations, and I think that’s a great idea.  You could ask all your friends and family to wear at least one item of clothing in a colour that compliments your own outfits.  Or if you’re really devilish you could insist all male guests between a certain age range wear their partner’s underwear.  Although you might spend the rest of your life explaining the awkward smiles in your wedding photos.

By the way, I know what’s going through my mind when I get dressed for a wedding.  You’ll never guess what it is, and if you want to know you’ll have to ask.  You might be in for a surprise...

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Why wedding booze is always wrong

September 29, 2018

Engaged couples spend hours gently cooing at each other while flicking through glossy magazines and surfing the Internet looking for ways to customise their wedding so it reflects who they are as a couple. 

Naming the tables is probably the most common (and cheapest) way loved-up couples stamp some personality on their big day.  If you’re both into football you might choose to name each table every year your team won the FA Cup (not easy for Ipswich Town fans).  I know of a wedding where the groom was into ‘wood’ (no sniggering) so each table was named for a different tree. 

Wedding favours are another very common way of gently imposing your common interests on guests, although if your hobbies are totally wild then you could freak out a lot of guests.  But screw ‘em, it’s your wedding, you do what you want, even if you are both heavily into the taxidermy scene.  If you’re both huge fans of the series ‘Breaking Bad’ then perhaps you might not want to give out wedding favours that echo that particular show’s main topic...

I’ve previously talked about how your choice of wedding music can impact on your wedding reception, but not all weddings have the budget for extravagant entertainment.  One aspects of wedding planning that couples never skimp on is the wedding booze.  Even if the wedding breakfast consisted of nothing more than jam sandwiches and packets of Frazzles you can guarantee the on-table drinks would still be alcoholic and reasonably costly. 

But the drinks at wedding receptions always seem to be the same safe and obvious choices.  There will be some fairly ‘flinty’ fizz for the toasts, and wine of mysterious origin for the main feast.  Do these choices really reflect the personality of your relationship, or the story behind how you met? 

You might think that choosing relevant booze is more of a challenge that it actually is - if you’re into homebrew then why not make your own beer and wine for your guests.  Or if you both met when you were going through a goth phase perhaps you could offer your guests snakebite and black?  On a more sensible level, maybe you could offer your friends and relations a tipple that reflects where you’re going on your honeymoon?  Single Malt Whisky if you’re going to Scotland, rum for the Caribbean, Sherry for Spain, Port for Portugal or super-strength white cider if you’re heading for a romantic stay in sunny Great Yarmouth…

So if you’re reading this post while you’re still in the drinkies planning stage why not take a chance and do something truly original.  If you’re stuck for ideas then get in touch, I’m always up for a challenge!

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How to choose the right band for your wedding

September 29, 2018

Ah, music, it’s the food of love apparently.  Although personally, if I’m at a wedding I’d rather a decent steak.  But if you’re choosing the right band to play at your wedding how do you decide what type of live music is right for your big day?

There’s a pretty good chance that if you’ve found the right person to spend the rest of your life with you must have a lot in common with your lover.  You like the same films, you laugh at the same time when watching trashy TV and there are certain things in the bedroom that you both appear to like (you freaks!).  But when it comes to music couples don’t always like the same thing; she might like chilled out dance music, he might like One Direction.

But what sort of band can you book if she is into Rod Stewart and he is into extreme death metal?  Sadly the answer is probably that you’ll book a band neither of you particularly like.  You need to find an uneasy middle ground that doesn’t massively offend either of you, but will also go down well with your guests.  After all, you want your friends and family to enjoy whatever band you choose, rather than sit with horrified expressions while an extreme metal band re-enacts a ritual sacrifice that might invalidate the damage deposit your venue wedding insisted you pay (possibly because you arrived for the booking meeting dressed like a vampire).

Fortunately there are lots of really cool bands available that will be neither boring or terrifying.  A popular choice at the moment is to book a swing band, or a classic rock covers band.  Neither will alienate Aunt Bessie, and Uncle Fredrick can loosen his tux and boogie on down with dance moves that haven't’ been seen since the miners’ strike.

Although if he really does want a One Direction tribute act for your wedding reception there might be some difficult conversations you need to have with each other...

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Wedding cakes - here's to a new tradition

September 29, 2018

Wedding rituals are very strange.  Nobody knows why a lot of the ‘must do’ things we, er, must do at weddings even came to be.  Every now and then someone at a wedding will claim to know why grooms must never do up the bottom button on their waistcoat, or why the best man claims it’s traditional for the best man to try and pull a bridesmaid.  But on the whole we have no idea why we do the things we do on wedding days, or even why we want to do these things.

Of course not all weddings follow the traditional routine, hell, I’ve seen couples at weddings do things that would make your hair curl, but we all loosely agree traditions can be quite good fun.  Brides get to order their friends and family around for a day, because it’s HER DAY.  In my experience the groom is happy to let his new wife have her way, possibly because if she’s busy making sure she adheres to tradition she’s less likely to notice that the groom and the ushers have been draining hip flasks since breakfast.

If you’ve been following my blog for a while you might have noticed that I often talk about food.  This post is no exception.  And this time I’m going to pick on wedding cakes.  I’ve seen some massive cakes in my time behind the lens, and some tiny cakes that look like they might have been bought from Aldi en-route to the church.  I’ve seen cakes with edible people on them, with gaudy colours and even wedding cakes that seem to defy gravity. 

But with almost all the wedding cakes I’ve seen the creator appears to have forgotten something crucial.  Cakes should be edible!  I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with the traditional fruit cake, but actually getting through the icing appears to require more manpower and planning than trying to steal the chauffeur's car (see previous blog post).

So I propose a new wedding tradition, and I’d like you the reader to be at the forefront of this new trend (because I want to be there taking the photos).  I propose that instead of using boring old knives to cut the cake the bride and groom should be given a chainsaw.  I was going to suggest a new tradition of the groom face-planting his new wife into the cake, but bearing in mind how tough icing is a broken nose would seem a messy and unwise to start a new life together.

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Is great sex on your wedding night a cruel myth?

September 29, 2018

When all your guests have wandered home, all the booze has been drunk and the wedding breakfast is already well on it’s way through your guests’ digestive systems are you really going to be in the mood for mind-blowing sex?  Possibly not, especially if you’re thinking about the digestive systems of your friends and family…

Having ecstatic sex on your wedding night may be an unrealistic goal.  There’s a good chance you won’t get much sleep the night before your wedding, and after an 18 hour day full of solemn vows and hearty partying there’s a pretty good chance that even if your mind is strong your body might be weak.  Brewers droop is well-documented, but wedding-wilt seems to be something nobody is brave enough to talk about.

If you ask your married friends if they managed to make the beast with two backs on their wedding night there’s a good chance they’ll either lie, or be truthful and say they were too knackered.  A few of your brutally honest friends might even admit they were too drunk to remember if they did or not.  Admittedly this is usually the bloke’s response, and they might have to ask their wives if they were able to ‘perform’ or not.  A difficult question to ask, especially over Sunday lunch with the in-laws.

When I say ‘perform’ you might be thinking I’m talking about the physical act of rumpy pumpy itself, but the truth can be much more logistical than romantic.  For example, blokes are rubbish at managing to carefully take off their rented tux in a way that won’t void the hire policy.  And a half cut groom will fail horribly when presented with the task of delicately and romantically removing the 500 hole lacing of their new bride’s corset.

My own opinion is that it’s probably worth having a enthusiastic attempt at bumping uglies, but don’t be too hard (hee hee) on yourself if the little general has already quit the field of battle before the night is done.

I bet you’re wondering if I had sex on my wedding night, well I couldn’t possibly say.  You’d have to ask my wife...

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AK Expressions Photography Terms & conditions • Privacy • ContactAk Expressions wedding photography covers Ipswich, Suffolk, Bury St Edmunds, Norwich, Norfolk, King's Lynn, Sudbury, Colchester, Chelmsford, London and the UK.All images AK Express…

AK Expressions Photography Terms & conditions • Privacy • Contact

Ak Expressions wedding photography covers Ipswich, Suffolk, Bury St Edmunds, Norwich, Norfolk, King's Lynn, Sudbury, Colchester, Chelmsford, London and the UK.

All images AK Expressions Photography © 2008 - 2021