What aspect of your wedding bothers you the most?

Organising your own wedding can be super stressful.  Sure there are some amazing wedding planners out there, but not all of us can afford a wedding planner any easier than we can afford someone to clean our house for us.  Couples dream of hiring wedding planners, but that doesn’t mean organising your own wedding needs to turn into a nightmare.

If you have drawn up a budget for your wedding then I’m sure you’ve spent many nights staring at the ‘cost’ column, and taking another slug of wine before you feel brave enough to look at the ‘total cost’.  If you haven’t drawn up a budget for your wedding then I admire your wild spirit.  You’re a maniac.

Unless you’re that crazy couple who is figuring out the money needed for a kickass wedding ‘on the fly’ you’re probably going to hit a point that you have to start removing things from your budget.  Unless you’re stinking rich of course, in which case la de dah good for you!

So when you need to start saving money what’s the first item for the chop?  Do all guests really need table favours?  Are you sure the church should be so crammed full of flowers it looks like pews were planted in a manure heap?

Is that classic Rolls Royce you had your eye on really need to be the cornerstone of your entire wedding?  Probably not.  The folk who hire out those cars seem to get the hump when you take them for a spin without asking.  I reckon if you pay the huge hire fees these people charge you should at least be allowed to have some fun with the car during your special day.  What could possibly say ‘love’ more than doing massive donuts and burnouts in the church car park before that fella in the black robes does all that ‘do ya?’ stuff?  I’m going off-topic, and believe me, the ‘burnouts’ was the cleanest idea my filthy mind came up with.

There are lots of choices you can make about your wedding day that will smash your bank balance, so how do you decide what to splurge on and where to be a tightwad?  Longevity could be the answer. 

Sure it’s nice to stuff your friends and family full of the best food and wine, I’m also quite partial to a nice bunch of flowers so agree that it’s nice to have some decent blooms livening up the place.  If you’re into cars then hell, why not get something flash.  But these things, and many other wedding ‘stuffs’ is fleeting.  The food will be eaten, the flowers will pass their best and that grumpy bloke who wouldn’t let you eat KFC in his classic car will bugger off out of your lives.  The photographs of your wedding will last for generations.  But then I would say that wouldn’t I.

A photographers guide to surviving wedding fayres

If you spot me at a wedding fayre I’m sure you’ll think ‘now there’s a man with bounce in his heart and a joy in his step’.  Or should that be the other way around?  The truth is that by the end of a good wedding fayre I’m so tired I can’t tell my arse from my elbow (which can get messy in the toilet).  But why?  Everyone you see exhibiting at a wedding fayre looks so fresh and chipper, which is surprising considering what the day takes out of us...

In the past I’ve talked about how much gear I have to pack when preparing for wedding, you might be surprised to know that when I’m whoring myself at a wedding fayre I have to pack even more kit!  In addition to all my lovely cameras and lenses I also take along tons of examples of my work.  I also pack exhibition boards, example photo albums and a big enough packed lunch to fuel a rugby team.  Sometimes I even pack my wife.

Carrying tons of equipment isn’t usually a problem, but when exhibiting at wedding fayres the organisers like to make us park as far away as possible from the venue.  The prime spots are saved for the people who rent out their posh cars to happy couples, the next best parking spots are reserved for you, the punters.  And you know how much I care about you all, so I don’t begrudge you those prime parking spots at all.  But if you happen to know any out of work Sherpas please tell them to get in touch with me, I’ve got work for them.

Wedding photographers are generally happy to tell anyone who will listen how special their photographic technique is, but I know that on the whole my prospective brides and grooms don’t give a shit about F numbers and focal lengths.  Potential clients would be more accurate; I’m a married man so don’t require my own personal bride or groom.  You don’t want to know how long my lenses are (no giggling), you just want to know that I understand what you want from me.  I can figure out what you guys want within a few minutes of meeting you, but to find this out I have to ask a lot of people the same questions many times over during any wedding fayre.  This is fine, practice makes perfect after all, but if I’m looking tired I’ll apologise now if I get confused and ask you if there are any ‘cunning stunts’ you want covered…

Have you heard that noise dogs make when they know their food is ready but their owner is making them wait for it?  Well if you pass my stall at a wedding fayre and you hear a sound like a guinea pig trying to clear its throat it’s because I’m damned hungry but haven’t had a chance to stop and put a dent in my packed lunch.  Actually here’s a good tip for you - if you see me looking hungry at a wedding fayre grab my attention and tell me that you’ll only hire me if I share my packed lunch.  You’ll make me very happy.  I make very good packed lunches.

There’s another issue that all exhibitors at wedding fayres suffer, and it’s one that you probably don’t want to help me with.  We get so busy we often don’t have time to use the toilet.  For some reason wedding fayres have a real problem with me wanting to install a mobile urinal on my stand.

No part of this blog post should give you the impression that I don’t like wedding fayres.  I get to meet tons of old friends, make new friends and above all I get to meet YOU!

Why are you bothering being nice to his / her mother?

I love people.  Most people.  In fact one of the biggest reasons I love my job is that I get to meet a lot of people, most whom are quite drunk.  And one thing all photographers love it’s when people relax, open up and give us something utterly wild to photograph.  Many good examples of people who might normally be quite restrained, but who ‘lose their shit’ can be seen in my photo booth  gallery.  Ever wondered what Aunty Ethel would do with a gimp mask (probably not, unless your family is very close), then hire my photo booth for your wedding and use the photos for next year’s Christmas card.  Okay, now I know I’m going too far…  But if you’ve got an uptight mother-in-law fill her full of bucks fizz and send her over to one of my photo-booths, a cheeky word from me and an inappropriate prop and you’ll have some photos you can use for blackmail for the rest of her life.

I also love wedding fayres, I get to eat a lot of free wedding cake samples and get to be rude to lots of bride’s mothers.  Now I don’t want you to think I’ve got anything against mother in laws, in fact being Canadian I’m not even sure who Les Dawson was...

The point is if you’re worried about guests relaxing at your wedding supply gallons of booze and I’ll supply the props.  It’ll be a BLAST!

How to find locations for photo shoots

One of the questions I’m often asked (other than whether I have woodland animals nesting in my beard) is how do I find the crazy locations I use for some of my photo shoots.  Bearing in mind that sometimes it’s the bride asking me this, during her wedding, at a venue of her choosing, it sometimes seems like a strange question to ask.  But it does highlight one of the skills that all good photographers have - the ability to look at the world in a slightly different way.

If you look through my work you’ll see that some of the locations I use look totally wild, but in reality any location can be made to look a certain way with either a small amount of manipulation or the right camera angle.  Of course I can add to the effect in photoshop, but I like to get things as close to perfect as possible in the camera, and that can be done with positioning and imagination. 

Let’s go back to that bride at a wedding asking me about bizarre locations for a moment - I can guarantee you that even at the poshest wedding venue I can find a funky corner to take some wild photos for you.  But of course some of the really freaky photos I take for my clients require a little more planning.

So how do I find the locations I use for planned freak-shoots?  Well the truth is that I’m always on the lookout for places that will look good in your photos.  Have you ever been following a driver who appears to be going slow for no particular reason?  That might just be me you’re stuck behind, and something has probably just caught my eye.  These days I’m not holding up quite as much traffic as I used to, and that’s largely thanks to Google Earth.  If I spot something great I’ll make a mental note to check it when I get home.

I’m going to end this blog post with a challenge - you tell me the type of shoot you desire and I’ll find somewhere to get you the photos you want.

Click on me and let me know

If I cut off my beard and dreadlocks will I still kick ass as a wedding photographer?

Wedding Photographers are sometimes like famous sportsmen, not just because we often find ourselves having to sprint over distances (although I’ve never seen Bolt run with a full camera bag), but because wedding photographers tend to have some very strange superstitions. 

Sporting heroes have charms they wear, and bizarre rituals they feel they must go through before each competition.  I was going to mention something about some sportsmen kissing balls, but I know how many readers of mine have dirty minds so I thought better of it.  If your mind is in the gutter I’m not going to keep pushing you down!

So what rituals do photographers have?  Well we all have to check our gear before each job, but that’s more logical than it is superstitious.  Clients are not going to welcome me with open arms if I turn up with flat batteries and broken cameras.  The night before a wedding my living room likes like one of those scenes from action films where the hero is laying out their weapons, checking they’re lubed and loaded; but with camera kit and without the tense background music.   Well done if you got through that sentence without giggling at the word ‘lube’.

So do I have any lucky charms, rituals or even so much as a lucky pair of pants?  Nah, but I do have a huge beard and epic dreadlocks.  So if I cut off my beard and dreadlocks would I lose my magical photography powers?  No, but my head would feel a LOT colder. 

Can I survive on coffee alone?

I think I mentioned in a blog a few weeks ago that ‘man cannot live on something or other alone’, and the conclusion was hazy to say the least.  As I sit writing this blog it’s late at night and I’m sitting here doing post-production on another wedding shoot that was a blast.  But sitting up late at night lovingly editing out zits and ugly family members from photos is one thing - yeah, I actually love this part of the job - actually being alert on the day is a whole different matter.

Have you ever got up super-early to go on holiday, and you know that a part of you would rather be still in bed, but damnit, there’s some cool stuff going to happen and you’re not going to miss out on it?  Well I’ll be honest with you, when I wake up super-early to go shoot a wedding for one of my clients there’s occasionally a moment or two (while I’m on my third ‘cup of joe’) that I think back to my cosy warm bed and wonder if I could have just a few more minutes sleep, but that feeling tends to pass quite quickly.

In fact I think I’ve already streamlined my morning pretty well to maximise the amount of time I can spend in bed.  If you have a beard like mine you can guarantee at least the extra few minutes beardless men have to spend scraping the fluff off their chin.  But if you’ll allow me a moment to be a little bit sentimental, when I wake up (or am woken up by my kids) early on the day of a wedding it’s kinda okay with me.  There’s so much to look forward to at any wedding (not just for the cheery couple) that I see that third cup of coffee as fuel for fun more than anything else. I can’t think job I’d rather be getting out of bed for that taking part in your kickass wedding.

Film vs Digital

The question of whether film is better than digital is a question that pops up all the time, my usual answer is ‘excuse me, would you mind moving aside little so I can take some photos of the happy couple?’  I can’t say I’ve spent a great deal of time giving film vs digital a lot of thought, but it does seem like a popular topic on a lot of wedding photography websites, so I thought I should probably sit down for a bit and give it some brain power.

Like a lot of photographers of my age (by which I mean young and handsome) I fell in love with photography long before digital meant anything other than a word you saw printed on cassette tapes.  Back then we weren’t cooing and going soppy at the (perceived) texture and depth of film over digital, we were too busy saving our pennies to send off the single roll of film we could afford to get developed each month.  Actually I’m going a bit far, I had jobs when I was a teenager so I could afford at least two rolls of film a month.

Without wishing to sound too much like an old man the subject of film vs digital has made me realise something quite important.  When I first learned to take photos properly processing was so expensive that I had to really think hard about light, composition (and how fast to run away on some mad occasions on the streets of Toronto) - I had to make every frame count.  These days it’s a HUGE relief to be able take a lot of photos on my digital cameras, but the years I put in on film cameras certainly prepared me well to make all the complex decisions needed to capture brilliant photos.

So when you’re smiling sweetly at the camera on your big day I’d like to think the time I spent sweating it over single frames of film back in the day trained me well for getting the perfect shots that you’ll be able to love for a lifetime.

Film vs Digital?  Pah!

Should I take a gift to a wedding?

No, I’m not asking if I personally should take a gift to a wedding I’m taking photos at, or whether I take a gift if I go to a wedding as a guest… I’m talking again about one of the questions that seem to trouble people lucky enough to be invited to a wedding.

It’s my personal opinion (based on the enormous number of weddings I’ve seen) that guests should probably do what the hell they want.  If you’re feeling generous and want to really show the lucky couple how you feel about them then buy them a house (I wonder if that ever happens?), otherwise buy them something that you think will make them laugh, or will reflect some key aspect of their relationship.  Although if they have a fiery relationship then the boxing gloves you think will be a hilarious gift may not go down so well, especially if they use them on you…

The brutal truth is that on the actual day the bride and groom will be so preoccupied they’ll never notice that you weren’t one of the people leaving a gift on the gift table at the back of the venue.  By the time they’re back from the honeymoon they’ll be too overwhelmed (or too busy fighting) to spot that they didn’t receive a gift from you.  So if you want to a be a tightwad then go ahead; you’ll probably get away with it.

As a guest there are only a few things that you can do to really spoil the day, and for the record they are as follows:  Starting a fight with anyone (especially the groom, or the vicar, or the paige boy) tends to raise a few eyebrows.  The other thing guaranteed to cause a ruckus would be if you were to sneak into the reception venue before other guests arrive and attach a photoshopped (or worse - REAL!) photo of you and the bride (or groom) in a compromising position to the underside of every guests’ chair.  Now did that really happen at a wedding I was working at?  Well you’ll just have to ask me next time you see me...

Should you really wear white to a wedding?

Fashions for (and at) weddings change faster than trends and fads in a kid’s playground, and being a wedding photographer gives me an eye on what’s hot and what’s fading fast in the emotive field of wedding fashions.

Not all brides wear white these days - let’s ignore the outdated notion that only virgins should wear white, and let’s not get into the whole ‘black hem on a white dress’ thing (I get to know my brides very well, but not well enough to actually go crawling into their wedding dresses looking for hems).  After all, the while white wedding dress ‘thing’ only came about thanks to Queen Victoria wearing a white dress to her own wedding, and history has shown that she was a rum old girl!  Too far? Too soon?

In fact let’s ignore brides entirely for a moment, we all know they ALWAYS look amazing, and I wouldn’t suggest otherwise, let’s look for a moment at some of the things that wedding guests decide they ought to wear to their loved ones special day.

Mothers’ of the bride should also be excluded from any criticism; they can wear what the hell they want; they gave birth to the bride after all, and that’s got to be worth a whole lot of leeway (even if they do choose a hat that looks like their head has been temporarily occupied by an alien with part plant DNA).

You know what?  The further I get into writing this blog post the more I realise commenting on ladies’ attire at all is not only far outside my region of expertise, it’s also potentially dangerous to my health as a married man.

So as a male guest should you wear white to a wedding? Well sure you should, but only if you’re the guy hired to hand out ice creams, or if it’s a fancy dress wedding and you’ve fancifully dressed yourself as the Man from Delmonte.

Do photographers really have x-ray vision?

Have you ever paid a small fortune to get a great seat at a football match only to have the tallest man on earth stand in front of you at the wrong moment (so you miss the match-winning goal?).  Not that I’ve got anything against tall people; some of my best friends are tall...

We all like to be able to see what’s going on.  Sometimes being able to see is crucial, like when you’re driving a car, sometimes having your view obscured is just annoying, anyone with a partner who wanders into the room and stands in front of the television knows that for sure.

At weddings I pride myself in having almost ninja-like stealth when it comes to subtly getting into the right place at the right time to get the best possible photo of the really important things, like the first kiss, the first dance or the best man drunkenly hitting on a bridesmaid.  But sometimes all my efforts are ruined by someone leaping out in front of me to grab their own photo of a magic moment. 

Sometimes I find myself wishing my camera could see straight-through your Uncle Fred when he stands in front of me near the altar when the ‘I do’ segment of the service comes along, and I’ve learned to extend my limbs like a superhero to reach above, below or around some of the more colourful wedding guests in their moment of scene-stealing glory, but recently I’ve had a bigger obstacle to content with.  The iPad.  I LOVE iPads - they’re great for meandering through Facebook or accidentally destroying a virtual farm - but one thing they’re absolutely no good for is taking wonderful wedding photos.

So next time you’re ironing your best trousers in preparation for attending a loved one’s wedding give a thought to the poor soul trying to capture the day for eternity and leave your iPad at home.

Wedding photographers have bellies too

Some old book apparently said that ‘man cannot live on bread alone’, and I guess whoever wrote that had never been to a decent wedding. Fortunately the food on offer at weddings is much more exciting that just bread, and don’t get me wrong, I love bread, but I’m also thankful that wedding food is much more than a few grains smooshed in with yeast and water.

I’ve been at weddings where guests eat steak, I’ve been fortunate enough to work at weddings where the lucky invited few are treated to food far better than you could expect at some of the coolest restaurants anywhere in East Anglia. I’ve also been to weddings where the food that comes out is so fancy guests don’t know whether to eat it or frame it, although I’m always on hand to offer advice in such matters.

So why do wedding caterers seem to think that us poor photographers don’t need to eat? I’ve got to say right here, right now that all of the couples I’ve been lucky enough to witness tie the knot have always looked after me really well, for which I’m really grateful (seriously, you guys rock!) so why do I (sometimes, rarely) have to beg for my supper like a dog who hasn’t had a bone in months? You’ve seen me right? I’m a big lad, with big dreads and a beard that I’d like to think even Brian Blessed is jealous of. While I like to think I’m discreet when it matters at weddings (and loud as a foghorn testing ground when it’s time for group­shots) I don’t understand why some wedding caterers forget us photographers when dishing out their amazing dishes .

This isn’t a complaint as such, I’m just a man with an appetite, and I think wedding caterers are missing a trick when it comes to feeding photographers ­ look after us and when future brides ask us to recommend a caterer for their big day can you guess who’ll we’ll recommend?

Yeah that should do it; I’m now expecting double portions at every wedding from here on in.

A photographer with a full belly is a happy photographer

The trouble with toilets and tying the knot

There are aspects of being a wedding photographer that I know other folk don’t talk about.  Polite folk mostly.  But then you know me (or if you don’t then get in touch and let’s fix that now), I like to bring you the facts on things that you may never have considered.  I’m guessing that at least half my readers (the women?) haven’t given much thought to my topic today, and why would they?  But for us guys there’s one aspect of our lives that we don’t tend to discuss in polite company - the toilet.  Or in my case needing the toilet when I’m taking photos at your wedding.

If you think this blog post is going to be a gross-out filth-fest then I guess you can make the choice about whether you wanna read it right now.  On the other hand maybe I’ll cover this topic with delicacy and gentile finess; I guess unless you read on you’ll never know....

If you’ve read my blog before you’ll know that I am much more into letting you know what I’m really like to work with, rather than creating some made-up nonsense that has no more to do with the way I work than a cabbage has to do with a game of football.  So when I tell you that the biggest problem I have with needing the loo when I’m shooting a wedding is missing some crucial part of the action then hopefully you'll know I'm not just saying that to look good.  Fortunately, if I have a second-shooter or assistant with me the pressure is off a bit; if nature calls I can answer the call while my colleague keeps an eye out for moments that we don’t want to miss.  Seriously, at every wedding I’ve ever worked at there is always a never-ending string of random occurrences that I want to be sure I don’t miss - it’s part of what makes weddings such brilliant fun!  But if I’m taking photographs at your wedding and am flying solo now you know why you might see me turn and run out of the room faster than Uncle Pete runs to the bar when his glass is empty.

If I do actually get time to toddle off for a tiddle you’d think my problems are over, oh no, they’re just beginning.  I’ve worked in many wonderful wedding venues over the years, and even if they’re purpose-built the toilets are always quite literally ‘the smallest room in the house’.  For your average guest, size is not an issue (no giggling at the back), but if you’ve got several huge cameras slung around your neck then new issues arise faster than the groom’s anatomy on wedding night (too far?!?).

The first option is to find yourself a space at the urinals, but this is only an absolute last-ditch option if there really is no chance of getting a cubicle.  For one thing a wedding photographer covered in cameras is considerably wider than your average guest, so a certain amount of rugby scrum type action is required to get close enough to the porcelain to even think about moving to ‘stage 2’ of the operation.  Once you’re in place there’s little you can do to stop your equipment (by which I mean your cameras of course) thumping your neighbours in the back, and being thumped in the back byanything while attending to business is just not on.  Brawls have been ignited over far lesser things in some of the rougher nightclubs of Suffolk.  And all this is assuming you don’t accidentally trigger the shutter on a camera once you’ve started draining the lizard…

Before, during and after your wedding day

Many years ago being a photographer was a bit like being a wizard, or non-creepy magician; nobody had any idea how you created the magical results you got and if you were taking photos in some of the smaller villages in East Anglia you were in danger of being burnt at the stake by villages accusing you of stealing their souls.  Now almost everyone knows how to pick up a camera (well let’s face it, a telephone) and can ‘snap’ a photo with almost no effort and zero planning.  So planning sucks right?  Who needs to plan photos if anyone with a plastic lens glued to a phone can capture a magical moment?  You may have already guessed which way I’m going with this, and you probably think I’m going to bitch about how everyone these days thinks they’re a photographer.  Well you’re wrong.  Maybe.  I LOVE the planning of photos, here are just a few of the reasons why.

First impressions count…

This is certainly true for any photographer when they are pitching for work, but first impressions are a two-way street.  I love the first time I meet a new couple; I wanna find out if you guys might be up for some of my crazier ideas (http://www.akexpressions.com/wedding/photobooth/).  When I walk away from the first meeting with a couple I haven’t met before I can be fairly sure how much fun we’re going to have on the wedding day; sure we’ve got a few minor details like contracts and deposits to get nailed, but I know as well as you do that we’re both focussed on one thing - A FUN WEDDING!

Second impressions are cool…

Once we’re up and running we like to do a wedding pre-shoot.  These sessions are very relaxed and give us a chance to chuck about some ideas while getting some excellent photos that’ll be perfect for Facebook bragging and ‘save the date’ fridge magnets (seriously!).

Third impressions are…. well you get the idea

By the time we’ve had a good nose around the wedding venue together we’ll be pretty good friends; you’ll know how easy we’re going to make things for you when it really counts.  Because we’ve put in the time to get to know (really, the pleasure is all ours) then you can chill on your wedding day.  Obviously we’ll be working our nuts off checking and loading gear, preparing for anything up to sixteen hours on our feet, magically being in five different places at once.  What’s that saying about Swans and how they seem elegant on the surface when it’s all kicking off under water?  Well we’re like that, although you’ll have to get to know me a LOT better before you find out if I’ve got webbed feet.

By the time you’re off on a honeymoon adventure somewhere (or just drunk off your arse on a beach getting sunburnt) I’ll be editing your images and uploading them to my site so you can get a chance to ask me to remove the shots of Aunt Gladdice groping one of the bar staff.

When you’ve recovered from your honeymoon (and preferably stopped peeling) then your wedding will be ready for you to view.  Good times!

So there you have it; is planning your wedding photos dull?  Of course not, especially if the planning is much of a riot as I’m going to make it for you!

The classy bride’s guide to surviving wedding day shoes

As a bloke you might wonder what I know about shoes.  Admittedly I look RUBBISH in heels, but I do know more than you might think when it comes to wedding day shoes.

First of all there’s the nightmare of choosing your shoes.  You might want to choose a pair of shoes that you feel represent yourself or yourselves as a couple.  But that could mean anything.  If you’re into growing food on your allotment then wellies would represent you.  Maybe you’re both into historical re-enactment societies, in which case you could wear whatever the hell it was that soldiers in the English civil war had on their feet.  If you’re into steampunk then you could wear some two foot high platform boots with all kinds of vintage looking bits of metal crap stuck to them.

Then there are the more outlandish choices.  Have you seen those sneakers that kids wear with wheels in them?  You could gracefully glide down the aisle.  Or if you have a last minute change of heart you could get a quick getaway.

In reality most brides choose heels of some sort.  It’s a choice of footwear that has been about for a long time now, and for a good reason.  Heels can look great.  Finding a pair that perfectly compliment your dress can be a bit of a pain in the arse, but whoever is supplying your dress will have plenty of suggestions.

If you do choose heels there are some practical issues to take into consideration, but as a non-heel wearing fella I’m sure you know more about the dangers that I do.  But wedding days are long, really long, so it’s a good idea to have a comfy pair of flat shoes on standby in case your feet start to hurt.

There is one good bit of advice I can offer when it comes to wearing heels on your big day.  Don’t get shit-faced drunk.  It might be tempting to get carried away with the booze when the party atmosphere really kicks in at your reception, but heels and pissed up dancing just don’t mix.  At the very least you might look slightly inelegant wobbling around on your heels. At the worst you could break your ankle.  So when it comes to knocking back a few and hitting the dancefloor that pair of flat shoes I mentioned early start to look really appealing.

At the end of the day, if you’re wearing a big wedding dress then the chances are nobody will be able to see your feet anyway.  So wear whatever the hell you want.  Just be comfortable.

Show me your best ugly face

People look odd.  Not all people of course.  On wedding days people stop looking quite as odd as they do on other occasions.  Part of the reason for this might be that when I point my lens at wedding folk they do their best not to look like total freaks.  Sometimes it works!

The truth is that sometimes when people think they’re giving me their best side, pout, gurn, whatever, they’re perhaps not coming across in the way they think they might be.  As I sift through the vast archives I’ve built up over the years it occurs to me that most people are at their best when they don’t know they’ve got a camera point at them.  Shove a big ole Nikon in their face and a lot of people do things that are, well, if not odd then certainly a little misguided. 

I started my photographic career doing candid street photography in Toronto.  I learned that when people are at their most natural they look their best.  There’s a certain amount of posing that needs to happen if you’re in front of the lens at a wedding, but taking it from me, being relaxed and natural will always make you look cooler, sexier, prettier and more photogenic than if you choose a face that you think will look good.

There are of course exceptions to this rule. I’ve seen some faces that only a mother could love.  When those faces belong to the groom I know the marriage is going to be a good one. 

Brides, without fail, and without exception always look astonishing.  There’s a lot of support to help brides look their best on their big day.  The most grooms get is a best man shoving an electric shaver in their hungover face.  If they’re lucky.

So after years of being a wedding photographer I started to wonder what would happen if I flipped things on their head.  What would happen if instead of encouraging folk to look their best, I goaded them into looking their worst?  I decided I had to find out.

I’ve seen plenty of hilarious horrors thanks to my photo booth.  But what would happen if I asked people to give me their worst face while I was capturing their portrait?  The answer to ‘what would happen’ is of course hilarity.

In addition to my usual sumptuous photo print options I’m really pleased to announce that I now offer something that might (perhaps unkindly) be called ‘ugly cards’.  If you so desire it (and you should) I’ll take a heinous individual portrait of each of your guest.  I’ll encourage them, using my natural jerk talent, to pull the ugliest face they can.

The fun doesn’t stop there; I’ll send you a pack of cards.  Not any old cards, and certainly not the sort of playing cards bought by rough lads on a stag do, I’ll send you a pack of neat, nicely printed set of guest cards.  In your set of cards you’ll find an individual card for each of your honoured guests.

A set of ugly cards to remember each and everyone of your guests will be a unique, and potentially hilarious reminder of the best day of your life.  And potentially great blackmail fodder when you call on your guest for babysitting duties in the future.

Technology brings everyone together on your wedding day

Being a wedding photographer I am lucky enough to see wonderful things all the time through my work.  During a wedding ceremony, when I look through my camera lens and capture a look of pride in the eye of the father of the bridge it’s because I know when it’s likely to happen and how best to capture the moment. 

I’ve taken photos at a LOT of weddings, and doing so has given me a sixth sense for when the emotional magic is likely to bubble to the surface.  I don’t want to give you the impression I’m cold-hearted about my wedding photography.  Not at all.  I’m just fortunate enough to have been to a whole lot of weddings.  It still gets me every time, why do you think I’ve got such a beard and mad hair?  Maybe it’s because once I’ve got my camera up to my face you can’t actually see welling up!

Your wedding is one of the most important days of your life.  I’m stating the obvious here, but you know it, your parents know it and your friends know it.  This is why people are so enthusiastic when replying to wedding invitations. 

But unfortunately not everyone who you send a wedding invitation to will be able to attend your wedding.  Some of your invitees might live on the other side of the world, and while it’s nice to send them an invite so they know that they are still in your thoughts, the chances of them being able to attend may be slim.  But there are other people who might live a lot nearer but still sadly might not be able to attend.  Unfortunately some of these people might say they plan to come to your wedding but find themselves unable to attend at the last minute, no matter how badly they want to help you celebrate your big day.

I was at a wedding a few days ago and saw something I’ve not seen before.  Near the front of the congregation was someone holding up an ipad, which while not completely rare is still something quite uncommon.  As I got closer to the ipad I realised it wasn’t being used to to take photos or film the ceremony.  On the screen of the iPad was the face of someone clearly enjoying being a part of the proceedings.  But it wasn’t the face on the screen that was a revelation to me, it was his surroundings.  The person I could see on the ipad screen was clearly watching the ceremony from a hospital bed.  That’s as much as I know about this extra, and no doubt very welcome, guest the wedding.

It has recently become something of a cause celeb and quite trendy to moan about cell phones, ipads and the Internet as a whole.  But let’s not forget that these technologies can grant previously impossible wishes.  Like being at the wedding of a family man when you’re too ill to leave a wedding bed.

Top 5 worst marriage proposals

Asking someone to marry you is a big deal.  Even if most blokes plan something big they invariably end up mumbling something incoherent after a few too many refreshments.  I find it curious that wedding cliché still dictates that the man goes down on one knee, and the other half covers her face with her hands (in a good way) and emotionally replies in the affirmative.  I did a bit of research for this blog post (shocking, I know) and found out that there are hundreds, if not thousands of examples where the man popping the question was lucky not to receive the answer in the infirmary.

So prepare yourselves people, here is the AK Expressions all time top five worst wedding proposals of all time.

5. You make me feel… lighter than air!

This first bad proposal isn’t gross, rude or vile, it’s just one of those tales when you think ‘what did he think would happen?’.  Lefkos Hajji of London clearly wanted to impress his lady with his originality.  He explained his plans to a florist who was more than happy to assist in his batty plans. 

Lefkos had a florist place an engagement ring worth a whopping £10,000 engagement ring inside a helium filled balloon.  Now, I can see where he was coming from in a romantic way, but I have no idea why he didn’t propose within the secure confines of his house, a restaurant, the pub, an ice rink or the STD clinic.  In fact anywhere indoors would have been a better place to pop the big Q than outside on a windy day.  The news report I found didn’t go into any detail with regards to how familiar our hapless hero was British weather, but surely anyone who has spent more than a few hours in this country knows that it’s a bit gusty here, even on a calm day.  Needless to say the balloon made a break for freedom, and after a couple of hours our man gave up the chase. 

Perhaps there’s a sheep somewhere in Cumbria sporting a quite fabulous £10,000 engagement ring.  Lefkos will never know, and nor will we.  This proposal looks possibly well thought-out and intelligent compared to what’s coming next...

4. I know marriage has up and downs but…

The ever-genial staff at Disney World tell us that proposals on their turf are fairly commonplace.  Almost all take place in front of the big fairy tale castle.  All that magic, all that wonder.  All those baking hot people in big foam character suits being kicked and punched by kids; what’s not to love. 

I say ‘almost all’ because there was this one bloke who thought the best possible place to ask for his lady’s hand in marriage was on the Splash Mountain ride.  Yup, as the rollacoaster reached it’s highest point he considered it a high point in his relationship and revealed the ring to his intended.  Before his lady had a chance to answer the carriage tipped over the top and plummeted inevitably down the huge drop.  The relationship survived the ride, but the ring did not.

3. Don’t say it with flowers, say it with…

I have found lots of examples of men who preferred not to actually say the magic words out loud but instead resorted to signwriting.  There are many instances of cheesy notices on road bridges, cryptic adverts in crappy newspapers, badly scrawled graffiti and messages in food (seriously), but my favourite is the brave soul who while out on a winters day walk ‘wrote’ his proposal while pissing on fresh snow.

2. Not as rare as you might think.

I was somewhat astounded at just how many times this next proposal has happened.  It would appear we live in a world where there are a whole lot of men who think the best way to propose is to hide the ring in their partner’s drink.  Seriously.  I don’t even need to tell you how romantic it must be to have to sieve your loved one’s leavings eight to ten hours after you ‘proposed’.

1. The (hopefully) well-meaning but horribly executed proposal.

Oh boy, here we are with the worst proposal ever.  I don’t want to paint a picture here of men being thoughtless cave-dwellers (see my other posts for that sort of fun) but I’ve found a lot of reports of men who are nowhere near as tactful or funny as they think they are. 

I know us fellas are known for thinking we’ve got a rich and deep understanding of our women’s sense of humour, and I know from personal experience that more often than not my ‘jokes’ are more miss than hit but…  

I’m yet to find any wedding proposal that is any more misguided than the one I am about to share with you.  I gave a lot of thought as to whether I should share this proposal with you at all, but if you’ve read my posts before you’ll know I’ve got a twisted sense of humour.  Next time you see me in public and feel like punishing me for this indecent proposal, please remember that it wasn’t me who made it.  Well here it is, number one in my list of worst wedding proposals ever.  This Bridegroom chose his moment (one would hope) and simply leant over to his intended and asked her ‘how much weight do you think you can lose by September?’.  One only hopes September was sufficiently far in the future for there to be no black eyes in the wedding photos.

There are many other proposals I couldn’t include, like the gynecologist who erm, ‘produced’ the ring while giving his wife a freebie exam.  Perhaps marriage proposals really are better off being handled by women.

Let your husband do your wedding makeup

The flowers are arranged, the dress has been fitted and the guests invited.  You wake up on the morning of your wedding (if you slept!) and you have just a few jobs left to cross off your checklist.  If like a lot of modern couples you already live with your intended the chances are that on the morning of your wedding your husband to be will find himself at a bit of a loose end.  He’ll be looking for something to do, perhaps to keep his nerves at bay.  As you reach for your makeup there’s a slim chance you might see him edge close, and if he’s feeling adventurous he might even offer to do your makeup for you... 

I sat down to write what was going to be a serious blog post.  I was going to do some thorough research into wedding makeup.  I told myself I would write a useful, insightful article giving sound advice on makeup choices for your big day.  But the thought of hapless husbands getting involved in wedding makeup was just too terrifying, and I couldn’t get the thought out of my head.

The only bit of sound advice I can offer you would be to do everything you can to avoid letting your husband doing your makeup.  It’s very cool that men are a lot more into being involved in wedding planning, but your wedding makeup is one area that your husband to be likely lacks experience in.  Unless he makes a living as a pantomime Dame, in which case his makeup skills are a bit of a one trick pony.  You might as well ask a local plasterer to apply your makeup, with a trowel.

But seriously, why shouldn’t you let your husband do your wedding makeup?

All women know that with makeup less is more, but with most man skills more is always more.  Men buy power tools that are slightly more powerful than they can safely handle.  Some men drive cars with more grunt than would ever be needed on narrow, twisting British roads.  Although certainly not unique to their sex, men like to listen to music LOUD. 

Us men like to find shortcuts, but they don’t always work out well.  We consider a job done at speed is a job well done.  If a job can be augmented by the ingestion of beer then we’ll probably try it, and dutch courage is not something that should be combined with the application of makeup.

Letting your fella apply your makeup is as logical as asking a toddler to be your chauffeur.