If you spot me at a wedding fayre I’m sure you’ll think ‘now there’s a man with bounce in his heart and a joy in his step’. Or should that be the other way around? The truth is that by the end of a good wedding fayre I’m so tired I can’t tell my arse from my elbow (which can get messy in the toilet). But why? Everyone you see exhibiting at a wedding fayre looks so fresh and chipper, which is surprising considering what the day takes out of us...
In the past I’ve talked about how much gear I have to pack when preparing for wedding, you might be surprised to know that when I’m whoring myself at a wedding fayre I have to pack even more kit! In addition to all my lovely cameras and lenses I also take along tons of examples of my work. I also pack exhibition boards, example photo albums and a big enough packed lunch to fuel a rugby team. Sometimes I even pack my wife.
Carrying tons of equipment isn’t usually a problem, but when exhibiting at wedding fayres the organisers like to make us park as far away as possible from the venue. The prime spots are saved for the people who rent out their posh cars to happy couples, the next best parking spots are reserved for you, the punters. And you know how much I care about you all, so I don’t begrudge you those prime parking spots at all. But if you happen to know any out of work Sherpas please tell them to get in touch with me, I’ve got work for them.
Wedding photographers are generally happy to tell anyone who will listen how special their photographic technique is, but I know that on the whole my prospective brides and grooms don’t give a shit about F numbers and focal lengths. Potential clients would be more accurate; I’m a married man so don’t require my own personal bride or groom. You don’t want to know how long my lenses are (no giggling), you just want to know that I understand what you want from me. I can figure out what you guys want within a few minutes of meeting you, but to find this out I have to ask a lot of people the same questions many times over during any wedding fayre. This is fine, practice makes perfect after all, but if I’m looking tired I’ll apologise now if I get confused and ask you if there are any ‘cunning stunts’ you want covered…
Have you heard that noise dogs make when they know their food is ready but their owner is making them wait for it? Well if you pass my stall at a wedding fayre and you hear a sound like a guinea pig trying to clear its throat it’s because I’m damned hungry but haven’t had a chance to stop and put a dent in my packed lunch. Actually here’s a good tip for you - if you see me looking hungry at a wedding fayre grab my attention and tell me that you’ll only hire me if I share my packed lunch. You’ll make me very happy. I make very good packed lunches.
There’s another issue that all exhibitors at wedding fayres suffer, and it’s one that you probably don’t want to help me with. We get so busy we often don’t have time to use the toilet. For some reason wedding fayres have a real problem with me wanting to install a mobile urinal on my stand.
No part of this blog post should give you the impression that I don’t like wedding fayres. I get to meet tons of old friends, make new friends and above all I get to meet YOU!