Spilling the beans on imposter portfolios

I like Heinz baked beans. Heinz are so good at making baked beans, that they can put 200 beans in a can and almost guarantee that each one is going to look the same, cook the same and taste the same. Eat them with eggs, put them on toast, maybe even pair them with some filet mignon. Whatever floats your million pound yacht. Either way, Heinz baked beans are the same every time, and that’s what makes them great.

But that shouldn’t be the case for photographers. You don’t want a wedding photographer who’s going to arrive on your big day and take the exact same shots as 200 other photographers in your area. Could you imagine looking through your friend Sharon’s photo book and discovering that you were both told to stand under an umbrella and fake-laugh while someone dropped confetti from a window above?

Well, this is what happens sometimes with those expensive photography workshops you see advertised in the backs of magazines or on event websites. They draw you in with questions like, ‘do you want to make money doing what you love?’ and hope that there’ll be an aspirational novice on the other end answering, ‘yeah, why not?’.

In this scenario, established photographers or photography companies take the place of Heinz. They’re the big shots; the people who know what works for them, so it must work for everyone else. Then, there are the beans: the budding photographers. These are the people who are probably not too bad with a camera, but they’re scared of putting themselves out there, so they book a workshop to build their confidence and knowledge. Then I guess the workshop itself is the tin can. But that doesn’t really matter.

What does matter is that these beginner photographers are put in a studio or taken on location, shown the basic ropes and then shoved in front of a couple of models to take 200 versions of the same shot. They’ll then get to take home a few images to put in their photography portfolio and call them self a pro. It seems like a pretty good way to start up, right?

Wrong. There’s no telling how many times the beans - sorry, photographers - will attend a workshop in order to get images for their portfolio. In fact, the whole portfolio could just be a bunch of staged images, but a client will see it as a representation of what the photographer is really like on a proper shoot. This is an imposter portfolio, and they should be avoided.

First of all, it’s not a great way to build experience. Shooting at a real wedding isn’t anything like on a staged shoot. At a real wedding, you have to photograph people who don’t know how to pose. Some of them probably find it really awkward being in front of a camera, but you just have to know how to work with it. When it comes to the creatives, you need to understand how to interact with people, to organise people who would rather be getting sloshed at the reception. And when things go wrong, which they can, you need to be quick on your feet and figure out how to patch things up.

Would I ever run a workshop like these Heinz guys I mentioned earlier? Frankly, no. I shoot dozens of weddings a year. I don’t have the time to run workshops. Not only that, but I have my own style and I’m not interested in passing it along to someone else to copy. That’s not how this business works. In fact, I’m pretty sure Sharon is phoning up her photographer right now to complain about that confetti shot.

Awards don’t take great photos; photographers do

Awards

Let me ask you something. If you found a cosmetic surgeon on the internet with an impressive list of awards to his name, booked in for a new pair of lips (or whatever the hell people are getting done to their faces these days), and came out looking like caricature of Donald Duck, you’d have a few four letter words to throw around, right?

But the thing is, who would you throw them at? Sure, it was a pretty crappy job from a surgeon who, in your opinion, would be better suited to filling helium balloons at kids parties judging by the way he pumped that syringe. However, that surgeon never lied about those awards you were so impressed about. A quick internet search will reveal that they’ve received them from real companies, who have real websites, and probably awards of their own. So do you only have yourself to blame?

In my opinion, no. You can’t blame yourself for not knowing that some of those awards were issued by companies who have no expertise in cosmetic surgery, have no authority to judge the professionals in that field, and who might just want the prestige - and the income - that goes hand in hand with having their name on an award. Now, apply this to photography, and you’ve got an idea of what my world is like.

These companies will ask photographers to pay to enter their ‘competitions’, pay to attend their awards ceremonies and pay to have custom certificates, stickers or logos designed to smear all over their marketing campaigns. We do all the leg work, too. We phone up our past clients, or even friends and family, to vote for us, all so that we can win a runner up prize of ‘Best Newcomer’, ‘Best Black and White Photography’ or ‘Best in Region’.

As if that wasn’t enough to ruin the facade, let’s talk about legitimacy. Literally anyone can set up one of these awards. Joe Photo from down the road can just as easily dole out awards as a big London magazine, giving carte blanche to scammers. Although I’m not accusing anyone, it’s sometimes difficult to tell who is for real, as there’s no regulatory body.

Secondly, some voting systems allow anyone to vote, as many times as they like. If I had a tonne of spare time, I could spend the day in my underwear, voting for myself again and again until I turned into some sort of voting machine-cyborg and ascended into an alternate dimension where you could only say the word ‘vote’ and online ballots were used as currency. It would be monotonous but, hey, I’d have an award to show for my efforts.

The final circle of award-hell is the clique-iness. These companies prey on new photographers, urging them to become a part of the ‘in crowd’ who boast a series of accolades to their names. If you’re not an awards junkie, you’re an outcast. The phrase, ‘you can’t sit with us’ springs to mind. Have you heard about Avi? He doesn’t have the [insert pointless award here].

Despite what the beginning of this blog post suggest, I’m not comparing myself to a cosmetic surgeon, or any kind of doctor - I can’t even cure the cold I’ve had for the last three weeks, let alone fix someone’s self esteem - but when I first started photographing people’s mugs professionally, I was a fresh-out-of-the-dark-room newbie who thought my work needed affirmation from a source other than my clients. To me, at that time, having an award meant a professional recognition of quality, and a way to say to potential clients, ‘hey, I’m actually good at what I do’. However, after realising that awards don’t take good photos, I decided to drop out of the race and pour my heart and soul into my work, rather than the buzz surrounding it.

I’m going to clarify a few things before ending this post:

●     I’m not saying photographers who enter these awards are doing wrong. Some of us participate in the awards system because it seems like the only way to get an edge over competitors. Some do it to build a network. Some do it for the sheer joy of shaking someone’s hand and receiving a certificate. I’m just saying, that’s not me.

●     Not all awards are a sham.

●     I can’t think of a third point. But three is the magic number. So let’s have some gin.

My sage advice for anyone looking for a wedding photographer? Browse the portfolios. I know, it takes time. And although you'd rather be in bed watching videos of cats pushing glasses off counters while looking defiantly at their owners, this extra bit of care will save you the heartache of having fat lips. I mean a bad wedding photographer… cheers!

‘Wedding photographer’ doesn’t mean ‘rip-off’

It’s been a long day at work. You’re tired. You keep imagining spreadsheets where people’s heads should be, you probably smell a bit, and now all you want to do is take a bath, catch up on Netflix and go to bed. But wait - you hear your phone ringing. You pick it up and, to your horror, it’s your boss. What could this possibly be about, at 6pm on a Friday? Did you accidentally send porn to all your colleagues again?

“Hi there, I was just wondering if you could let me know when you’ll have that presentation ready? And, about that meeting next week, could we bring it forward? I have a dentist appointment that morning. Oh, while you’re on the phone, can you also add a couple of other things to your to-do list?...”

You stand there, wondering whether you’ve fast-forwarded through the weekend and it’s now Monday morning. But, after checking the time, you realise that your mind isn’t playing tricks on you...

In this scenario, a full-time employee would happily cite their contract, remind their boss of their hours and massacre their phone with a steamroller, never to be contacted again. In my world, it isn’t that easy. Some freelancers fantasise about all the things they’d be able to do if they switched off their phones and laptops at 5pm. Many might spend time with family, others might nurture a hobby. Me? I’d finally submit my application to Mastermind and prove that all those years of repeat-watching Star Wars were not in vain.

Let me confirm; I’m not complaining about being freelance. I really, really, really love my job. But the scenario that I mentioned above is not a rarity for me - in fact, it’s pretty common. And unless you’re calling me in the middle of the night to tell me about your mum’s gallstone removal surgery, I’m happy to chat. I’ve been known to leave a family dinner to talk to a client, even pick up the phone during a World Cup final. I think I’d only ever miss a call if I got sucked into a black hole (hopefully to a dimension where water was gin, and exercise made you fat).

Why do I do this? It’s no secret that wedding photography isn’t something you can buy at Poundland, so I ensure that your hard-earned money is spent on excellent service, alongside an equally awesome product. And because I put in all that work behind the camera, and take every call, email, or homing pigeon sent to me, I put what I believe to be a fair price on my photography.

Unfortunately, no one sees all the work that goes on once I leave a wedding, so that price might seem high for ‘what appears to be’ a day’s work. I’m sure there are some people who think photographers push a button on a camera, then sit on the photos for a month while they lie around in piles of money laughing maniacally to themselves. But sadly for me, I’m not part of that crowd. And I don’t pluck my prices out of thin air, so it can leave me a little irked when I’m bartered down to meet the price of Johnny No-Portfolio across the wedding fair hall.

I’m not decrying Johnny. He might be passionate, capable and possess all the lenses in the Nikon catalogue. But photographers aren’t churned out of a machine in a Chinese iPhone factory; each one is different. Johnny may be retired, or have a day job, or rely on his other half for an income (or, if nothing else, be a terrible photographer). And just because he charges Poundland prices, it doesn’t mean we all do.

I’ve spotted many a ‘savvy’ bride working her way around a wedding exhibition, visiting each stand armed with a pen and clipboard, ready to negotiate. I’ve browsed the Facebook groups, where people are discussing hiring a student photographer on the cheap. However, I’ve never been to a petrol station and overheard a customer asking for half-off. I’ve never been to Tesco and saw a customer asking for a BOGOF deal which never existed. Isn’t it strange how we accept the value of some products and services over others?

I get it. Weddings are expensive. But there are many ways to cut down your costs, like uninviting that aunt you always hated. And let me give you some advice: if your priority is beautiful photos that will last a lifetime (ahem, check out my non-fade guarantee, ahem) - stop bartering with your photographer and pay them what they’re really worth.

Raising a gin to 2019

I like to measure the success of a year by how many great gins I’ve consumed. Betty’s Gin in May, Hortus in July, Little Bird in early November - there were more, but for some reason my memory’s a little foggy, and I can’t think or see straight. And my face is numb. And I feel like throwing up a bit.

However, I’ve noticed that my gin cupboard is half full. And although that means I’m an optimist (apparently), it also means that there’s room for more. Ya know, I’m not hinting or anything. So what happened in the world of AK Expressions during 2018? Well, you may notice that my website looks a little sleeker. I thought it was time for a change, and I’m pretty happy with how it looks. There’s even a photo of me in a Star Wars t-shirt on the homepage; if that isn’t the epitome of awesomeness, I don’t know what is.

This year, when it came to my work, I was busier than a mosquito in a nudist colony. I had a record 10 weddings in August, each one followed by hours and hours of editing, lack of sleep, and a million espressos. And that was just one month. Let’s not talk about the rest of the year. I realised eventually that I needed some sort of emergency kit in the car because I was driving back and forth to venues so much - it consists of a bottle of gin, a kettle and Super Noodles (so, a balanced diet).

Somehow I managed to find time to shoot a crazy advert I made in collaboration with Jimmy’s Farm and Suffolk Wedding Shed. The brief was ‘not your standard wedding advert’. Therefore, me being me, I went full wacko and placed a bride on a rocking horse, eating a piece of fruit fed to her by pitchfork. Because what’s a Suffolk wedding without a reference to farming?

In between the cake smashing and snowball fights that took place in just a few of my pre-shoots, I photographed some more serious moments, including a session with Dave and Michelle , a couple fighting together against cancer. It’s humbling situations like these which make me really thankful that you guys keep choosing me to be a part of your day.

But soppiness aside, the early mornings, long wedding shows and terrible hotel room coffees were all worth it for another brilliant year. Not to mention the many gifts that I’ve kindly been given by my fantastic clients (I’ll think about accepting gin as payment - but don’t hold your breath). I’m looking forward to meeting more of you at upcoming exhibitions, or through previous happy clients. If you see an eager-looking, red-headed, bearded man walking up to you, try not to run away. I only bite when I haven’t had coffee.

I hope you’ll raise a glass of gin with me to toast the New Year. 2019, here we come.

School’s out forever

It’s kinda fun looking through the old school photos of my parents and grandparents. Sometimes they’d haul out these sepia monstrosities from the depths of a long-forgotten cupboard of junk, displayed in an album so yellow I thought the pages would crack. I’d spend ages looking through their class photos: lines of miserable kids in pinafores and long shorts, forcing smiles because they knew they were about to get the cane if they didn’t. Then there were the individual shots, from snot-nosed toddlers all the way up to metal-mouthed high school kids. That’s where I found out where I got my red hair, and my ability to never take a photo with my mouth closed.

I’m glad they kept those pictures. They’re the type of thing you want to cherish forever. But that’s because they’re super old, from a time when people didn’t have cameras in their pockets. When somebody took a photo back in 1930-something, that was the photo; it wasn’t like you could take fifty shots and pick your favourite, then delete the rest. That was ‘it’.

Now that we’re in the 21st century and my youngest knows how to take a selfie, post it to Facebook and write a kick ass caption, do we still need to keep up the tradition of the school photo? Absolutely heckin’ not. But try to tell a school this, and they’ll look at you like you just kicked a disabled kid.

See, they don’t want to lose out on easy money. Let’s face it, they hire someone’s brother’s uncle’s dog’s mother’s husband who happens to have a DSLR, spending as little as possible and receiving £40 or £50 per student in return. They get you by the balls with these ugly-ass photos of your kid, who’s just been playing in the mud - is that a worm in his hair? - and you’re blindsided because HE’S YOUR KID and you must have a ‘professional’ photo of him each year (because you don’t see him every single freaking day, right?).

So you buy the photos and cry a little because you’re now poor, and they arrive and look like your cat has edited them. The colour’s way too cold, the lighting makes your child look like they’re on meth, and the background is one of those weird blue marble sheets that belong in the 90s.

Years pass and your photos have faded even though you kept them away from sunlight, as instructed. The copies you gave to your parents are sitting on their mantelpiece, gathering dust. You’ve spent your life savings on school photos that seem to increase in price each year. And then all of a sudden you realise that the time you argued with your wedding photographer about the price of his photos was seriously misguided.

Yes, this is a scenario which plays in a wedding photographer’s head each time they get a query about their ‘expensive’ pricing. Why pay ridiculous sums for awful school pictures, but pinch pennies when it comes to a high quality photographer who pours his heart and soul into your wedding photos?

The initial part of photographing a single wedding takes an entire day. From the shots of the bride getting ready, to the Champagne-fuelled dancing at the reception, I’m constantly on alert ready to take that perfect shot. However, my work doesn’t stop at the end of your big day. Hours are spent curating and editing your shots to provide you with a dreamy wedding album. Oh, and my photos don’t fade, either.

I get it. We want pictures of our kids so that we can look back and remember what it was like when they weren’t shitty teens trying to steal a fiver out of our wallets for vodka. But why, when we can take higher quality photos on our phones for free, and put that extra cash towards a wedding photographer who knows what the hell he’s doing?

Great things take time

It’s 7.30am… hold on, who am I kidding? It’s 9am. I’ve just woken up. I go to the kitchen, pour myself a cup of rocket fuel, then sit down to check my emails. Scrolling through, there’s a couple of quote requests (nice), a two for one offer at Kaffeine (even nicer), Viagra spam (...hmm) and a reply from a client.

I click on the reply.

“Hello from Bali!” It reads. “We just wanted to thank you again for your important part in our wedding day. We had so much fun, and hope it came across in the photos! I guess we can see for ourselves when we receive them! Anyway, we hope you’re well, and we look forward to speaking to you when we’re back from our honeymoon. We’ll send you a message when we’re home, so that you can send our photos over. Many thanks, Sharon.”

A little passive-aggressive, and the in-line snap of nasi goreng taken on an iPhone wasn’t really necessary, but the message came through loud and clear. The lady wants her photos. However, there’s just one little problem. I photographed her wedding a week ago. Yes, a week.

A week isn’t even enough time for me to figure out how to turn off the Spanish subtitles on my TV after I sat on the remote. Hell, I’ve worn the same pair of pants for longer stretches of time.

What I’m trying to say is that a week is not enough. Not even two, or three weeks. Not when it comes to your wedding photos. Would you expect the same for your dress? I have known brides who start trying on wedding dresses two to three years before their big day, and if alterations are needed, they can expect to wait months. And that’s if you’re high up on the list; some bridal boutiques have a waiting list longer than Cher’s face.

Think of your wedding photos like your wedding dress. Or, better yet, think of them like Watenshi gin. Made from the “angel’s share” of gin collected during the distilling process, Watenshi gin is then poured into a hand-blown, hand-painted bottle finished with a silver feather which is (you guessed it) handmade. The process is so painstaking that only 36 bottles are made per year.

So the comparison between the most expensive gin in Britain, and wedding photography, is a little bit of an exaggeration – but parts of it are similar. The photos I choose to send you are all taken, hand-picked and edited by me. I spend hours poring over the different shots, tweaking each one individually and making sure that the end product is perfect. I don’t outsource my editing to some specialist sitting in front of a giant Mac screen in an airy office a hundred miles away, nor do I use filters or presets. It’s just me, with 15,000 cups of coffee and the passion that you hired me for.

Some of your friends might tell you about their ‘superman’ of a photographer who sent their photos over during the taxi ride home from the reception. Unfortunately, that’s just not my style. I’m the guy who will take just that little bit longer in order to give you your money’s worth.

So, don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten about you. Believe me, after you got interplanetary drunk, tried to recreate a human pyramid and broke your maid of honour’s arm, I don’t think I could forget (unluckily for me, I didn’t manage to catch it on camera). I’m still working on giving you the best photos you could ask for, and I’ll be in touch soon.

It’s your wedding – not the coordinator’s

Weddings are funny things. It’s a day which revolves around you as a couple – the one perfect day which you’ll remember for the rest of your life. But once you start booking the venue, the caterer and, yes, the photographer, you’re putting your perfect day in the hands of other people and trusting them to make it exactly as you wanted. So how much control do you really have?

Not long ago, I photographed the wedding for a couple whom I’ve known for a while. They used to visit the cafe that I ran, and I bumped into them and their family every so often whilst out and about. I feel like it’s appropriate to say we’re friends, and whilst I was photographing their wedding they treated me like family. Knowing I like (read: obsess over) gin, they kindly gifted me a bottle at the start of the day, and offered a hug instead of a handshake to top it off. Just a note to my readers and (hopefully) future clients: presents aren’t customary. But I never say no to a gin.

Taking full advantage of the calm before the storm, I thought I’d schmooze the wedding coordinator just a little. It usually never hurts, and helps the day run a little smoother. Only, on this occasion, I didn’t have to ask her what she had for breakfast to know that someone had pissed in her cereal. Even though we were both in the same boat, having been hired to help out during this wedding, it was clear that she thought I was low in the hierarchy. As far as I could tell from her attitude, which was far more prima donna than Mother Theresa, this was her venue. Nothing I could say or do, even the fact that I had a rapport with the couple, would take that away from her.

I didn’t think it would be a problem, until I was photographing the reception and the groom asked if I would have a drink to celebrate with him. Usually, I don’t drink at work, so I politely declined and said that I’d grab one later. The groom, being the nice guy that he is, insisted and grabbed me a drink from the bar. I held out my hand and just as I felt my mouth water a little from the thought of a cool glass of Gin Mare, there came a shrill voice from behind me: “every drink is calculated, so the photographer can’t have one.”

I’ll admit, I admired the coordinator’s effortless ability to make ‘photographer’ sound like ‘wedding crasher’. In one swift sentence, I was reduced from friend of the groom to some loser who had wandered in from the street. Of course he can’t have a drink, he’s pond scum. In the past I’ve talked about photographers practically begging caterers for food so that we don’t faint on the job, but this was something else.

The groom had some harsh words to say, which can’t be repeated here, but she wouldn’t budge and in the end we had to back down. I could see that the little altercation had caused some upset, which of course left me miffed. Who wants to look back at their wedding photos and remember the argument they had with their coordinator?

What made it worse was a chat with the bartender who told me that five day guests didn’t show up, so he had to put a load of beers back in the fridge. That being the case, somewhere between the wedding breakfast and the reception, a wad of money went back into the venue’s pocket rather than getting reinvested into the guests that did attend.

As we all know, weddings are expensive. But if you’re spending £18,000 on a venue, you’d want to make sure you got exactly what you wanted, right? Take back your control and get yourself a coordinator who factors in not just a couple of extra drinks, but other elements to make your day perfect. I’ve seen couples who check into their stately manor hotel, only to find cheap coffee sachets and a limescale-ridden kettle in their suites. Gross! You should be served fresh lattes and a continental breakfast, offered champagne and, bloody hell, maybe even a massage for that kind of money. Why the eff not?

Find someone who’ll kiss your arse on your wedding day. Not someone who thinks everyone should kiss theirs.

Everybody has an Uncle Bob

‘Who’s that guy over there?’ I ask the bride. The man in question is waving around a shiny new Nikon – it looks like a d850 – and having some aggressive words with another guest. He’s got this look about him, like he’d invite you round for a gin, but you wouldn’t be allowed to touch anything in his weirdly neat house. I’ve already decided to stay away.

‘Oh, that’s Uncle Bob,’ she replies. ‘He asked me if he could bring his camera. I told him not to get in your way.’

I nod, and don’t really think anything more of it. Until I spot Uncle Bob out of the corner of my eye, lurking behind a bush with his camera while I’m taking the group shots. And again when I’m shooting the creatives. And, you guessed it, again when it comes to cutting the cake.

It’s safe to say that Uncle Bob got in my way. I look back through my captures and there’s a shot of his wispy grey hair peeking over the groom’s right shoulder like some sort of creepy omen. I can see it becoming a meme.

Now, I have no problem with guests bringing their cameras to weddings. Even if they want to take fifty shots of the cake to find the ‘right one for Instagram’. I get it. Everybody likes to have their own mementos. But the Uncle Bobs of the world make me want to take those mementos and shove them where the d850 doesn’t flash.

The difference with Uncle Bob is that he has deluded himself into believing he’s a master photographer. Thanks to his disposable income, every time a new lens is released, he buys it – and you better expect a 2000 word review on his photography blog. He has subscriptions to Digital Camera World, Amateur Photographer and Digital SLR Photography, and reminisces about the time when he first picked up a camera in his forties after realising that he had a ‘good eye’, when really it’s because he watched documentary on Ansel Adams and thought it looked easy.

You’ll usually find him accosting the hired photographer at an event, armed with questions like, ‘What did you think of Canon’s foray into mirrorless? Groundbreaking stuff, huh?’ Either that or he’ll try to compare equipment (please, God, no). And instead of socialising like everybody damn else, he’s laying in wait for me to emerge from the woods, or the toilet, or the bar to snap a shot of me. Yup, me. Why the hell would you want a shot of me?!

But the thing that Uncle Bob does that really gets my camera strap in a twist is when he gets mad at me for getting in the way of his shot. There’s me, trying to do what I was paid by the wedding party to do, and all of a sudden he’s hurling abuse at me. So, okay, I might have deliberately stepped too far to the left as revenge for his candid of me eating some cake earlier, but at the end of the day this wedding’s not big enough for the both of us. It’s time you moved on, mate.

I encounter one of these guys at almost every wedding. Just leave us photographers alone, and focus on making sure your wispy grey hair doesn’t become the next supernatural internet phenomenon. Or better yet, entertain your wife who clearly feels like she wants to become a widow the moment you decide to bring your camera. Don’t be like Uncle Bob. Be like cool Aunt Jo who buys me a gin after the ceremony. That’s the kind of guest I’m happy to see at a wedding.

Nailing the creative wedding photos followed by the dreaded group photos.

There are always moment in our lives when we feel like we don’t have enough time to enjoy certain things. You know when you’ve poured a smooth cup of coffee first thing in the morning, and you’re sitting there, just sipping quietly, waiting for that freaking moment when you can hear your wife’s shrill voice ordering you to drive the car to get cleaned, or take out the rubbish? It’s like you’re on edge the whole time, drinking your coffee and secretly hoping that you’ll never hear it – that maybe you’ve miraculously gone deaf, or that she’s gone mute. Or both.

Well, that’s how I feel after a ceremony. Not that I’ve gone deaf, but that I’m on borrowed time. You see, after the vows have been said and rings have been exchanged and your 90-year-old granddad has fallen asleep from all the excitement, that’s when I swoop in and take the married couple to one side for their creative photos. These are the ones that hang over the mantelpiece for the rest of eternity – so you want to get them just right. And this takes time. 

When it comes to the group photos, everyone likes to look perfect, and I’m part of making that happen. I’ll have scouted out a spot to take the shots, where the lighting is great and I know I’ll be able to fit everyone in. I’ll work with you to discover your best angles, even if it does take the maid of honour twenty snaps to find hers. I’d like to say I’m the Houdini of the photography world, but when your mother-in-law ugly-cries for half an hour and leaves a hot mess trail of mascara running down her cheeks, no amount of magic can fix that in five minutes. Not even Photoshop.

I’m a patient guy. Wedding venues, however – not so patient.

No kidding, I have to fight with 99% of venues to allow me more time for creative and group shots. Even for an extra 15 minutes. And when you’re having as much fun as you do when you’re messing about on a fun photo shoot with your nearest and dearest, believe me, 15 minutes flies by. This should be a time for you to relax. A time to be your new married selves. A time where, for a brief moment, you don’t have to worry about what your guests are doing, or if diabetic Uncle Bob is eating his Mars Bar. And you definitely shouldn’t be worrying about the manager tapping his wristwatch and telling you to move on. You’ve paid thousands for your venue, so make the most of it. Put your foot down (and kindly flip that manager a proverbial middle finger, so that I don’t have to).

A week before the wedding, I usually go through the schedule so that I can get timings right. Personally, I advise scheduling a couple of hours between the ceremony and the wedding breakfast so that you can spend time with your photographer getting the shots that you really want. The more time, the better. Nail those creative and group shots, so that you can mingle and get confetti chucked in your face, and eat cake and dance. And maybe one day, after many years of marriage, you’ll understand exactly how I feel when you sip your coffee in the morning, waiting for that sound...

A big middle finger to cancer

Grab a hot drink and a Kleenex. This one’s going to be a tear jerker…

There I was one cold February day, minding my own business and probably sipping a glass of gin, when I got a text. I looked at my phone. The text wasn’t from my wife telling me she’d found an awesome new coffee shop; it wasn’t from O2 warning me that I’d reached my data limit; it was from Dave, a husband-to-be messaging me to say that his darling fiancé had a brain tumour.

Michelle - the bride-to-be - needed a lengthy and extremely complex operation to remove this cancerous bludger that had formed inside her brain, one which would leave her with a scar covering almost the entirety of one side of her head. So close to the wedding day, we all know that most brides would be in anguish at the thought of looking anything less than ‘perfect’ when they walked down the aisle - but Michelle wanted to redefine the meaning of that word. She wanted to create her own perfection; her own way of telling the world, ‘these are the cards I’ve been dealt, but I’m not going to let them stop me from enjoying the happiest day of my life’.

Well, I wasn’t going to stand in her way, was I?

Dave told me that they wanted to go ahead with a pre-shoot after the operation, and that Michelle was determined to carry out her wedding planning. But whilst the majority of brides would have been umm-ing and ahh-ing about which shade of white (even after many years in this business, they still all look the same to me) to wear on their nails, Michelle was preparing for the biggest operation of her life. It’s safe to say that I was in awe of this woman’s bravery.

The couple, who had been together for over a decade, turned up to the shoot one week after the op. Sure enough, the scar was visible - but Michelle rocked it harder than when Pete Townshend first smashed a guitar onstage. It was a serious rock and roll moment. A big middle finger to cancer.

The pre-shoot photos were raw and emotional, and the couple were keen to share them with their friends and family. Two months later, those same people were there to see Michelle arrive at church in a white dress, embrace her father and walk down the aisle to a grinning Dave. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place. And to top it all off, the groom surprised the wedding party with a fireworks display to end the day with a literal bang.

I’d like to say that I’ve lived in Britain long enough to exercise a stiff upper lip in these situations, but I’d be lying. Maybe someone was cutting onions in the pews, or maybe it was my new suit trousers riding up too far. I don’t know. What I do know is that, if there was one couple more deserving of a long, happy life together, it’s Michelle and Dave.

Do you believe in magic?

Look into my eyes, the eyes, don't look around my eyes, look into my eyes. You're under. You will read this blog post about alternative wedding entertainment and refrain from rolling your eyes at this indulgent Little Britain reference. You will also erase any previous underwhelming experiences with magicians, circus performers or caricaturists from your memory and open your mind to a world of unique acts for your wedding.

Have you ever been to a wedding without any entertainment? Dull, right? There’s nothing worse than shifting uncomfortably in your seat whilst listening to Aunt Linda drone on about her cat’s yeast dermatitis because you’re unable to escape to a dance floor. We all know how much value a good band or DJ (sans Macarena – don’t fight me on this) can bring to an event. And watching your guests belt out Mr Brightside at the end of the night – fifth Hendrick’s and tonic in one hand, six-inch heels in the other – provides entertainment in itself.

But have you thought about alternative forms of entertainment? Something to warm up the crowd whilst the canapés are making the rounds? I’m not talking about anything crazy, like performing elephants (nobody will find it entertaining when PETA knocks on the door, naked and covered in fake blood), but there are so many acts out there, from the quirky to the awe-inspiring, which will surely make your wedding a memorable one for your guests. To name just a few: fortune tellers, jugglers, stiltwalkers, puppeteers, lookalikes, balloon modellers, comedians – any one of these are likely to get people engaged.

Let’s talk about the time that I was hired to photograph a bar mitzvah. To my surprise, the parents of the boy in question had booked contortionists as the main event entertainment. Several ladies, dressed in skin-tight costumes, appeared onstage and began warping their anatomies into various pretzel-like formations in front of these 13-year-old boys. Nobody was talking about feline fungal infections. Nobody staged an animal rights protest. Everybody’s eyes were on the entertainment, and that’s all they could talk about when the act was over. By the end of the evening, the parents and the rest of their families all had a great time – and I think those boys became men in more ways than one.

Now, this may have been an example of when entertainment goes too far – you don’t want the act to steal the spotlight from you as the bride and groom. But it is important to make everyone feel as if they haven’t been dragged away from an evening of Netflix and cheap wine for nothing.

If all else fails, you could try your luck with a hypnotist who can hopefully convince your guests that they’ve had a great time. 3, 2, 1, you’re back in the room. Couldn’t resist, could I?

Never mind the Oscars, here's Gavin and Kendra’s wedding!

In previous blog posts I’ve talked at length about how special some of the wedding venues I’ve worked at are.  I’ve worked in some really small ‘rustic’ places. I have been fortunate enough to work with couples who have chosen to celebrate their marriage in magnificent opulent surroundings.  I’ve been to Malta, and I’ve been one of only a handful of people present when one couple eloped.

Choosing the right venue for your wedding can seem like a really daunting prospect.  Venues can be challenging not only to your wallet, but also to logistics.  Having been at a great number of weddings I think the heart of the matter is that any venue that you fill with family and friends will be the perfect venue for your special day.  You could get married in an abandoned theme park and it would still be romantic.  Actually, if you are planning to get married in an abandoned anything then please get in touch, I LOVE that kinda stuff.

Where you hold your actually ceremony is dictated to, to a certain extent, but the law.  In order for your wedding to be lawfully binding you need to do the ‘I do’ bit somewhere that is legally allowed to host weddings.  Granted that hardly limits your choices these days, but while you need to hold your ceremony is dictated by law, there’s no such limitation to where you have your wedding photos taken.

While I was chatting with a charming couple called Gavin and Kendra we struck upon a crazy idea.  We wanted to do the wedding photos in a cinema!  Not just any cinema either.  There’s a new Empire Cinema recently opened in the Buttermarket in Ipswich.  It looks cool as hell.  Perfect for Gavin and Kendra.  We all got really excited by the idea, until the happy couple decide that there was no way we could get permission to take photos inside the cinema.  Well just wait a moment there guys.  I am the king of cool when it comes to making the impossible happen in the name of getting kickass wedding photos. I’m also fantastically modest.

I did my thing and the brilliant people at Empire Cinema in Ipswich welcomed us with open arms and full popcorn buckets.  The photos we got from that shoot are incredibly unique.  I’ve not seen any other couple with wedding photos taken in a glamourous cinema setting!

So if you have what you might think is an impossible idea for a wedding shoot then get in touch, ‘almost’ nothing is impossible!

Cheers to 2017 and hello 2018 - you're looking gorgeous!

Well another year has almost dribbled itself into the history books.  It has become normal for companies, social media bores and excitable celebrities to write some drivel about looking back on the year that has just been.  Personally I blame the Queen.  If it wasn’t for the Queen interrupting my indigestion every Christmas afternoon I wouldn’t have given much thought to sitting to write about what a year I’ve had in 2017.

As I sat down to think up a decent list of excuses not to write this blog post there was the sound of distant tinkling bells, the screen went wibbly and my mind drifted off.  A bit like in that Christmas episode of Blackadder that had Hagrid in it.

So what happened at AK Expressions during 2017 that might be worth writing about?  Let me think… The year started off with a wedding shoot in Malta, on the set of the Popeye film.  That was pretty cool.  Just a few weeks ago I had a ton of my work featured in the fantastic Rock and Roll Bride magazine.  That’s something I’ve been work towards for a long time, so that was excellent. In fact the Rock and Roll Bride feature directly led to my work being featured in the Daily Mirror.

Then there was the stranger side of 2017.  Like ripping my trousers after arriving at a wedding, and having to shoot the entire day with my arse hanging out.  I might make a point of stashing a spare pair of trousers in car in future.  2017 was the year that I shaved off my dreadlocks in the name of charity, just before one of the most brutal cold snaps we’ve had in East Anglia for years.  I’m glad I kept the beard!

I’ve also been fortunate enough to receive some really nice gifts from the couples I have worked with. A coffee mug will always be gratefully received, but I’m incredibly grateful to the clients who gave me gin!

I’ve really only scratched the surface of why 2017 was such a great year, and I’m going to leave it there.  Because 2018 is already shaping up to the best year ever.  I’m exhibiting at more wedding fayres, working with more couples, expanding my product range and will be making more new friends than ever before.  Watch out 2018, here I come!

How to Stay Warm at a Winter Wedding

This month we have a guest post from the brilliant fashion blogger Jen Lou Meredith, you can find out more about Jen at http://www.jenloumeredith.com/

Winter weddings can be wonderful: the delectable seasonal food, the festive décor, the fact that everyone’s in a merry mood in anticipation of Christmas – all these elements come together to form an atmosphere that just can’t be replicated at any other time of year.

However, winter weddings can also be cold, and although the beer jackets are likely to come out during the reception, low temperatures can cause havoc for more sober activities earlier in the day if you’re not prepared.

Staying Warm as a Bride

Besides the ‘I dos’, some brides might say that the most important part of a wedding is the dress. After all, if your wedding is the happiest day of your life, you’ll want to look and feel great in what you’re wearing. It might seem counter-intuitive to cover up your dress with something that will keep you warm during your winter wedding but, trust me, you’ll need it.

There are plenty of options to choose from which will both keep you warm and complement your dress. If you have a simple dress, opt for a full bridal coat – this is ideal for outdoor weddings, as nobody wants to be shivering whilst they’re saying their vows! If your dress has a train or a fishtail, a tailored blazer is the best option for making the most of this dramatic silhouette. Lots of detailing or an open back? Try a shawl which can easily be taken off for photos. Finally, if you’ve opted for a suit, play around with edgier leather or fur jackets.

Staying Warm as a Groom

As a groom, you might think that a suit will be enough to keep you warm – think again. With all the inevitable standing around, you’re not going to generate enough heat to avoid freezing, which is why you should plan in advance.

When it comes to your suit, look for thicker fabrics such as tweed, flannel or herringbone. These are sure to keep the heat in throughout the day. However, if you’ll be in and out of the venue a lot, try picking a ‘broken suit’. This is a suit with two different textures, materials or colours for the suit and trousers. If you want to try this out for your wedding day, experiment with a heavier fabric for the jacket and lighter fabric for the trousers, in order to avoid sweating buckets.

Grooms can also get away with wearing a scarf – match it to the colour of your tie, or go a shade lighter or darker than your suit so as not to compromise on style.

Follow these guidelines and you should be as toasty as a teacake on your winter wedding day!

Out with the old – in with the bold

Guys, let’s talk wedding. It’s probably fair to say that your partner has likely been planning her attire for quite some time and that there have been secretive missions with various female members of her family and friends happening, to which you are pointedly not invited. But the chances are, you haven’t really thought about your own outfit much yet.

There is a misconception that the wedding is, ‘the bride’s day’ and there are sayings about, ‘not upstaging the bride;’ but frankly, this is rubbish. It is your day as a couple and no woman wants to have to stand beside a man who looks as if he has barely made an effort towards his appearance. When she looks back at the photographs of the day, she wants to see clearly that you two, together, are the stand out couple.

So, this is the time for you to make the most of clothing and accessories that on any other day you may not wear. It is a time for a little flamboyance and a lot of style. Gone are the days of boring traditional morning suits in dove grey and whatever tie matches closely enough the bridesmaid’s dresses. Now, is a great time for male styling.

It is your wedding day – a time for celebration not formal, dull uniformity so have a go at injecting a little of your personality into your outfit. Think bowtie or cravat instead of a standard tie. Cufflinks, tie pins and pocket watches are a great way to make your outfit a little more interesting without being over-the-top. Don’t be afraid to inject a bit of bold colour perhaps in a pair of braces or your shoes. The boutonnière does not have to be a standard single bloom, ask the florist to make you something with a little more interest.

You don’t even have to go for a full-blown suit; a tweed waistcoat and shirtsleeves gives a very masculine, rustic look but keeping the essence of quality and gentry. A sharp blazer with pocket chief, coupled with an excellent pair of Italian shoes would give Bond a run for his money.

The main thing to remember is that you don’t have to follow the outdated old rules of the past. If what you choose is an excellent fit, is clean and well pressed, is comfortable and looks as if it is you, not an off-the-peg last minute rush job, then you will never upstage the bride, but can stand next to her and know she is proud to be with the best-dressed man there.

Then all you need to do, is smile at the camera and you will have memories to look back on and love for ever: timeless and stylish.

The one thing you’ve paid for at your wedding that you probably won’t get

Weddings are expensive, that’s a given. Wedding budgets are very subjective. One couple’s epic lavish budget might be seen by another couple as modest and thrifty.  You might think you’ve trimmed all the fat from your wedding spending that you can, but there’s probably a couple somewhere that’s agog at how much cash you’re going to splash.  The point is that there is no right or wrong when it comes to the financial planning aspect of your big day.  You spend the amount you feel is appropriate, even if it’s inevitably slightly more than you intended to spend.

But there’s one thing you’ve paid for that you might not get.  No matter how swept up the events of your special day you’ll still be able to spot, or at least be aware of the things you’ve paid for.  There’s simply no way you can miss out on noticing riding in the car you’ve hired.  You’ll see the flowers at the church or wedding venue.  Your ears will revel in the sounds the band or DJ at the wedding reception will be entertaining your guests with.  It goes without saying that you won’t miss out on enjoying the dress / suits / outfits that you have paid for at your wedding. 

So what is this thing you probably won’t get?  What is it that you’ve paid for but probably won’t know hasn’t been provided?  Surely there’s nothing anyone who you’ve hired could fail to provide without you knowing?  I’m sorry to tell you, but there is.  Food.  You’ll quite rightly enjoy being served your meal before any of your guests.  It’s entirely correct to say that every one of your guests will receive a lovely meal.  They’ll get exactly what they asked for.  Almost all wedding caterers are brilliantly attentive when it comes to making sure the meal the happy couple receives is perfect. 

The people in charge of making sure the catering runs smoothly have a great track record when it comes to remembering Auntie Silvia’s nut allergy, Albert’s wheat intolerance and which of your guests require vegan dishes.  But in my experience there’s one aspect of the great work that caterers do that let’s them down time after time. In my considerable experience there are a whole lot of wedding caterers who appear to have a real issue with feeding photographers.

I lost count years ago of the number of times myself and my assistants have had to go to caterers and beg for something to eat.  Like a sickly orphan begging for food in a Dickensian poorhouse.  We are often left until last, when our choice of dish is no longer available.  But that’s not the worst thing about being left until last.  Because of the understandable gulf of time between the top table receiving their meal and the last of the guests getting their grub it’s normal for a few people still to be eating when the speeches start.  This isn’t too much of a problem if you’re a wedding guest.  You can sit back, relax and cheerfully masticate while the nervous best man stumbles over his speech.  But if you’re working at the wedding, as of course I am, then getting food just as the speeches start means I can’t eat it.  I need to be taking photos! 

For some weddings myself and my team leave the house as early as 5am.  The wedding breakfast is not only our only chance to sit down for a few minutes, it’s also our only chance to eat.  We pride ourselves in covering your entire wedding.  This means an exceptionally long day for us.  We’re yet to work with a couple who refused to provide a meal for us at the wedding breakfast.  I know that these meals can cost anything up to £200 per head, so if you have paid for a meal for myself and maybe one assistant, and the caterer laughs off actually providing us with the meal you have paid for then you’ve just chucked £400 down the shitter.

At every wedding we attend I make a point of saying a cheerful hello to the caterer.  I always explain why I’m not just being a prissy bitch for requesting an early meal.  Most caterers nod politely and agree, but when it comes to the time for them to put their commitment to feed me into play the food is either so late I can’t eat it, or worse; entirely absent.

You have enough to be focussing on during your wedding day, and by hiring me I’m going to help make your day as stressless and blissful as possible.  But when you meet your caterers for the planning meeting I would really appreciate it if you could point out to them that photographers are people too.

Don’t worry about rain stopping play on your wedding day

Britain has a temperate climate.  In Britain we get a fair amount of rain.  There’s really no dressing up that fact or making it seem less of a truth that it is.  So why worry about a bit of rain your wedding day?  In fact the fewer things you have to worry about on your wedding day the better the day is likely to feel. 

I guess it’s sort of okay to worry about things that you have a degree of control over, like whether your dress / suit will fit, but you can mitigate that sort of worry quite easy.  You can’t make sure there’s no rain on your big day.  Even if you plan to get married abroad you’ll still struggle to make 100% sure that there will be no rain.  Unless you’re getting married in a desert. But if that’s the case you’ll have bigger challenges to rise to than a bit of precipitation.

So if you can’t ensure a rain free wedding what can you do to prepare for it?  The chances are you probably didn’t factor in the time of year when you booked your wedding.  The truth is that when it comes to the likelihood of rain then what time of year you’re getting married probably won’t make difference anyway.  I’m old enough to have experienced snow in May, on more than one occasion. 

So how can you prepare for the possibility of rain on your wedding day?  For starters it’s worth choosing a wedding venue that has a decent amount of indoor space.  Most wedding venues in the UK have plenty of indoor space, but it’s worth talking to your venue about how they’ve coped with rainy weddings they’ve hosted in the past.  The chances are the staff at the venue are very experienced and a drop of rain will be water off a duck’s back (so to speak).

If you’re planning to hold your ceremony in the open air then be prepared for the fact that plans may need to change just a few hours before your ceremony.  I don’t want to unduly worry you, but I’ve arrived at a wedding in belting sunshine, only to have the heavens open a short while before the ceremony is due to start.  This happening has never once either stressed out the wedding venue staff, demoralised guests or spoilt a wedding for a couple.

If the wedding venue you’ve set your heart on doesn’t have adequate indoor space it could be worth considering hiring a marquee.  There are plenty of hire companies who will not only supply (and erect) a marquee, but will also decorate it according to your wishes. 

Every wedding is unique, but the challenges that face couples are not.  As with any aspect of your wedding you will not be the first people to face any challenge.  Many people will have been in the same position as you in the past, and a quick Google search will likely uncover a solution.

If the long-range weather forecast is making rain look like a certainty then it could be worth buying a load of umbrellas for your guests.  This doesn’t need to cost a lot of money, even pound shops sell umbrellas.  You might be wondering why I’m not suggesting you tell your guests to bring their own umbrellas.  Even if you could contact absolutely everyone and ask them to bring a brolly I still don’t think it’s a good idea that guests bring their own.  Speaking as a photographer, and taking into consideration aesthetics, your wedding photos will look at lot better if everyone is holding either matching or colour co-ordinated umbrellas.  Also, a lot of people have crap umbrellas.  It’s also a universal truth that most people don’t pay for their umbrellas, so they’ll have the name of a brand plastered all over them.  This brings me to my last point regarding umbrellas.  If you can spare the cash it’s a nice idea to get some custom made umbrellas made.  I’ve seen custom umbrellas being sold for as little as £4 a piece.  An umbrellas with a design relevant to your special day would also make a nice keepsake for guests to take home with them.

Fortunately Suffolk has less rainfall than almost anywhere else in the country, but a little bit of forward planning could alleviate the fear of a downpour on your big day.

Ultimately none of your guests are attending your wedding to sunbathe.  As long as they are kept reasonably dry your guests will be much more focussed on sharing your special day than anything else.

As a final thought, some people actually consider rain on your wedding day to be a good omen!

The curious case of the Maltese Popeye

Wedding venues always look great. I don’t think I’ve ever shot a wedding at a venue that was anything other than spectacular. Well there was that one time at ….. Well that’s a story for another time perhaps. So yes, all wedding venues are spectacular, but some are super duper spectacular. Out of this world spectacular, or in the case of the wedding I’m about to tell you about ‘out of this country’ spectacular.

I’ve been taking photos at weddings for many years, and have started to get quite familiar with most of the venues in East Anglia, and some of the great places London has to get married. I love converted barns, I’m amazed by the medieval churches that East Anglia is chock-full of. I enjoy shooting weddings at all of the traditional and non-traditional places the couples I work with choose to get wed.

When I find myself meeting up with a couple to have a look around a venue I haven’t been to before I love to explore. It’s not just about figuring out the best place to position myself for the best shots. Sure I make sure I find out where the important facilities, like the toilets, are before the big day. But more than anything else I just love being nosey. The bigger the venue the better. Beaking around Wedding venues that gives me a proper chance to explore are one of the many things I really love about my job. Recently I got the chance to explore one of the biggest wedding venues I’ve ever been to; an entire island!

A while back I was doing my thing at a wedding fayre when I met an adventurous couple called Karl and Claire who were keen to tell me all about their wedding plans. They planned to get married in Malta! You may not know, but I grew up in Toronto and have travelled quite a lot in my time. I have lived in the UK for nearly twenty years, and I’m always on the lookout for another adventure on foreign shores. It’s my natural urge to explore I guess. But I have never been to Malta, so I was keen to get involved in my new friend’s plans.

So in May of this year I packed my camera gear, some factor 50 sunblock and headed off to meet up with Karl and Claire on the island of Malta.

Malta is a fascinating place for anyone with an interest in history, and is a dream location for someone like me who is always on the lookout for an interesting photo. It’s true that almost any location can be made to look interesting with the right angle and composition, but I soon found out that in Malta the opportunities were so many they were almost overwhelming.

There are an incredible number of ancient buildings in Malta, but it was somewhere that was quite new that really captured the imagination of the happy couple. Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you Popeye’s village! Built in a picturesque cove called Anchor Bay Popeye’s Village was originally built as a film set in 1980. The film was made by Disney and starred Robin Williams. The films title? Well you probably have guessed by now, that film was ‘Popeye’.

Popeye’s village is really quite a surreal place. I knew that in the bigger scheme of things the buildings here were practically brand new, but they looked like they had been here for hundreds of years. Adding to the surreal nature of the place was the fact that a lot of the ramshackle looking houses are painted bright, gaudy colours. When I met INSERT_NAMES at Popeye’s Village for a photo shoot I knew the results were going to be something very special indeed.

The character of what is now a tourist attraction is quirky, fun and a bit outlandish. So much like me, and very much in keeping with the happy couple. Wedding photography has taken to me to many amazing places over the years, but the experiences I had in Malta, and at Popeye’s village will stay with me for the rest of my life. I can totally see why Karl and Claire choose to get married in Malta, and I hope the photos I took on that trip will help the happy couple remember the experience vividly for the rest of their lives.

Thank you Karl and Claire, and may your married life be as adventurous and fun as your adventure in Malta.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

You may think I’m obsessed with my hair, I couldn’t possibly comment. It’s not like I’ll only travel with British Hairways, but you don’t have to be Sherlock Combs to see that my massive dreadlocks are important to me. My interest in my dreads hasn’t yet saturated every aspect of my life, even if my favourite band is The Grateful Dread and I like Barber Streisand. I’m also a bit partial to that great Led Zeppelin song ‘Hairway to Heaven’. But if you think I’m a fan of the Scissor Sisters then you might as well curl up and dry.

Some people think being a wedding photographer means I’m loaded, but to tell you the truth I don’t think any photographers are million-hairs. In fact if you ask any wedding photographer how much money they make you’ll probably just get a load of cutting remarks as a reply.

Very occasionally I have a recurring nightmare about going to a wedding and not being able to get into the venue, you see, I dread locks. 

When I sat down to write this blog post I braid to god it wouldn’t turn into a punfest. So before things get too hairbrained I’ll cut to the point. I’ll stop the puns before I lower the tone and start talking about hair on a g-string.

A few weeks ago I wrote a blog post about a challenge I have set myself. I wanted to raise some money for charity. I didn’t want to make any rash decisions, so I thought I’d mullet it over. I won’t split ends here, I decided to shave my head, but only if enough money was raised for charity. I’m very fussy about who I let cut my hair, a strange barber just won’t cut it. I also don’t want a hairdresser who is too barbarous.

As much as my hair is a part of my personality I don’t think shaving it off will put my livelihood at risk. Unlike that girl at the hot dog stand who got fired for putting her hair in a bun. Or like someone I know who decided to try out a new hairpiece every day, yeah, he considered himself a real big wig.

I didn’t always have the massive head of hair I have today. I used to have a very short hairstyle. Let me tell you, when my dreads start to grow long it was a very hair-raising experience! I’m not too bothered about aging, but when I saw my first grey hairs I thought I’d dye.

Still with me? Good, here’s the important bit. Sometime in September (the date is booked but the wife doesn’t even know) I will shave my head but I still need your sponsorship to reach my target. I will also stop with the hair puns.

Here’s how to sponsor me https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/akexpressions