Dear Elon Musk, if you’re reading this, I urge you to pull your funding from current and planned SpaceX missions and pour it into building a time machine so that we can zip back in time and stop coronavirus. Sincerely, AK Expressions (on behalf of every agitated bride, frustrated groom, angry mother-in-law-to-be and irate wedding supplier).
Sadly, you know as well as I do that Musky Musk is unlikely to read a Suffolk wedding photographer’s blog (unless he’s planning his fourth wedding to take place on the romantic Suffolk coast - I’m sure X Æ A-Xii would approve, if he could talk). In which case, I’m probably not going to get my time machine and this virus will still be here when I wake up tomorrow.
If you’re wondering what us wedding suppliers are doing at the moment, I’ll let you in on a little secret: we’re going batsh*t crazy. I have turned to TikTok (of all places) to keep myself entertained. I even had a crack at making some videos myself, recreating some classic wedding shots using Barbie and Ken dolls. In the end, I just ended up reenacting the erotic puppet scene from Team America. It wasn’t productive at all, and ultimately never made it to TikTok, but it sure did pass the time.
However, what has cheered me up is seeing the many brides-and-grooms-to-be posting on Facebook about how they’ll ‘never take anything for granted again’, that they’ll ‘never complain about life’s small issues’ and that they’ll ‘appreciate family’ so much more in future. Let me clarify, this hasn’t cheered me up because it’s positive and tear-jerking and all that crap. It has cheered me up because I’m laughing about how, when this is all over, half the people in these Facebook groups will go back to being complacent and pedantic, and they’ll forget all about those relatives that they appreciated so much.
Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about you, with your doorstep photo shoots and your Instagram captions about how you love being able to spend so much time with your kids and your other half. Is that really your reality? Or are you at your wit’s end because you can’t figure out why xy = n, and your 13 year old is having a mental breakdown because they’ve figured out that no one actually does algebra in the real world? Has your partner quadrupled your water bill because they usually go to the toilet a dozen times per working day, and their bowels can’t seem to work out that they’re not in the office? Are you so sick of queuing outside supermarkets for half your week that you’ve actually weighed up the benefits of starving yourself and losing all your lockdown weight?
When I read your captions about love and togetherness and promises for the future, I hope that the above isn’t actually your reality and that you’re just kidding yourself. Because it would be disappointing if we came out of the other side of lockdown and went back to being our grouchy and unappreciative selves.
And this is even more important if you’re a bride or groom who has had to postpone your wedding. Sure, it’s a horrible situation, but you’ve promised yourself that you’re going to make your wedding even better next year, whether that means holding your tongue when your other half reveals their choice of bridesmaid/groomsman, or avoiding decapitating your wedding planner when they tell you that ‘it’s just not possible to coordinate 15 swans to fly in formation overhead when you say “I do”’.
Keep those promises. Make 2021 YOUR year (or some other unimaginative ‘inspiring’ statement). Because if you don’t, the wedding boogeyman will come for you, and he’ll put penis straws in your guests’ Champagne flutes when you’re not looking.
Maybe I’m asking too much. Or maybe I’m being too cynical. I hope it’s the latter. Either way, I’m still waiting on that time machine, Mr Musky Musk.